Tuesday, 2 July 2013

How do I loathe thee, ramadan, let me count the ways

In a Twitter frenzy prolific enough to land me in Twitter Jail, suspended for an hour for exceeding their arbitrary limits on free Tweets, I managed to come up with the following blatant insults to the forthcoming muslim holy month of ramadan. It was fun. For the sake of posterity, I reproduce them here. Feel free to add your own. (In case you think I err, I deliberately do not capitalise islam, ramadan, etc as I do not recognise them as proper nouns.)

1.      A muslim has just sworn at a sheep and sent it to hell. Could be start of Damaram.

2.      A chutney? Made from mutton? Is the start of Ramajam?

3.      A reservoir wall composed entirely of sheep? This has to be the start of Ramdam!

4.      Sex? With a MALE sheep? Surely a mistake? Unless of course it's the start of Bangaram?

5.      islamic sex gangs on the prowl again, or is it just the start of Wambamthankyou[underaged]mam

6.      Oh no! Jihadi emails for a month! This could only be Spamadan.

7.      Multicoloured burkas? Must be the start of Glamadan!

8.      A 30 day fast for non-muslims? Could it be the start of Hamadan?

9.      A music magazine aimed at muslim teens? It can only be Kerrangadan!

10.  Ovine rape? Don't panic it's just the start of Slamalam.

11.  What's this? The designs for a new reservoir? Planadam?

12.  A whole month of rioting for religious reasons? It can only be Tottenhamadan!

13.  A month of benefit fraud? Can only be the start of Scamadan!

14.  A sweet, open pie that lasts for a whole month? Why it has to be Jamflanadan.

15.  Spending a whole 30 days in pyjamas? Of course, silly me... its Jimjamadan!

16.  Wot? No mutton preserve for 30 days? It's Banlamjamadan.

17.  Thirty days of gibberish? It can only be Flimflamadan!

18.  Oh, my mother's mum is furious. She'll be like that for thirty days now because it's Grimgranadan.

19.  Hey everybody get out to the night clubs! For the next 30 days it's Grabagranadan!

20.  Gang bang you say? No it’s just Slamamamadan

21.  Now where was I? Oh yes, free scans for 30 days - Mammogramadan.

22.  For 30 days there will be no allowances for sloppy language! Grammardan.

23.  Wearing a gauze bandage for a month? Of course, it's Scrimadan.

24.  Shooing the kids off the street for thirty days? That's why they call it Scramadan!

25.  You mean you have to dance like a South American every day for a month? Sounds like hard work, this Sambadan.

26.  Mild, almondy curry only? For a month? I hate Lambadampassandadan

27.  Thirty days of revision? It must be Cramadan.

28.  Don't bother putting your rubbish our for the next month... it's Binmanbanadan

29.  What, really? You say I have to stutter for thirty days? Of course, what am I thinking... it's S-s-s-stammerdan!

30.  Voting Tory? Yup, for the next month it's Cameranadan!

31.  You mean it's 69 days, not just 30? That's Shamadan.

32.  Repeats of a yellow fruity superhero for a whole month? Must be Bananamanadan.

33.  Bay City Rollers for a month? Surely it’s not Shangalangadan again already?

34. It's Meat Marketing Board month? Slaminthelambagainmamadan!


  1. You are soooooooo in deep shit! LOL!

    1. Bring it on! I hear hell's lovely and warm this time of year!