Sunday 4 December 2011

The Round Legion Carollers

So, there I was, having my afternoon nap, as is my monarchical right - see top of page - and how should I be disturbed at six pm on the 3rd December? Yes, you got it. Sodding carol singers? I say 'singers'. They were driving round in a campaigning van with a crap PA system playing selected fragments of vaguely Christmas-style tunes. And - this makes my blood boil - knocking on doors, asking for money. With buckets!

What? Bollocking-what?

The sign said (probably, I didn't look) they were collecting for the Round Table or British Legion or some other such worthy band of genuine do-gooding souls. These travelling troupes come a-wassailing every year, but never until within spitting distance of the loathsome day itself. So, I'm pretty sure this gang was not the genuine article and I fully expect to see more of this odious sort of thing - thugs preying on your charitable urges - unless you all get a grip and give them the bums' rush until the proper time.

There is only one proper time for singing carols door to door and that is from St Thomas's Day, 21st December, until Christmas Day itself. That's it. That's the law.

Anyway, just to show I can be charitable too, I wrote some new lyrics:

Jingle bells, jingle bells,
Scrounging all the way,
Oh, what fun it is to thieve,
From a one horse open sleigh.
Jingle bells, jingle bells,
Scrounging all the way,
Oh, how pikeys love to ride
Over all your rules today

Stealing as they go
How that pikey smells
Laughing ho, ho, ho.
Bells on Transits ring
Drinking spirits bright
Driving through your streets tonight
They just don't give a shite!

No, go away and let me get back to sleep!


  1. Blinking genius! I'm having that idea ! For you it's not HO HO HO it's NO NO NO!!!

  2. What? You're gonna get a van and a loudspeaker and some buckets?

  3. No, I'm going to re write some classics in a comedic fashion!

  4. Good for you! Post 'em up, please?