Sunday, 28 August 2011

Money Bags

So, Peter Mandelson made an offer on an eight-million pound house. The Blairs are filthy rich and Jacquie Smith is once more in the news for using prisoners on work detail to work on her 'second' property, while her husband makes more money using her contacts in high places. Is anybody surprised at the money-grubbing of the champagne socialists?

Nobody objects to people bettering themselves, but there's a limit, surely? Quite apart from anything else there's the look of the thing. Do these people have no shame?

So, when I'm king, what do I propose to do about it? Well, it's easy. Everybody pays the same percentage of income tax, which begins above a living wage. Ten percent should do it, I reckon, because the mechanism of state will cost a fraction of what it used to. For a start, there will only be me instead of the whole of parliament and my needs are pretty cheap.

As for local government and services, easy.

Central government coffers will cover the cost of basic services such as roads, basic public transport, refuse disposal, armed forces and the health services. And instead of paying an army of bureaucrats, a much smaller number of administrators will do as they are bloody well told..

We have to have rules so the rules will be simple. If you're genuinely sick we'll take care of that. If you just don't like the size of your nose or your ego, you'll have to tough it out or pay privately.

We'll empty your bins and dispose of your trash just so long as you don't take the piss. And if you create a mess beyond what we will clear, you will sort it out yourselves or else we will do it at your expense - I'll leave you work out how we might pay for that.

And if you get on the wrong side of my magnificent and intransigent police force you will pay your perfectly reasonable fines or go to jail. And you wouldn't like to end up in jail, trust me. Because that would mean you would be held in primitive conditions. Hunger strike? You'll starve to death. Dirty protest? You'll learn to stay clean or live in your own filth. Human Rights? Sorry-oh, they'll be left at the door. Prison will be a really cheap option for the new state, so don't tempt me, okay?

What about the likes of Mandelson? Like I said, I have no problems with free enterprise - in fact the new regime will only provide the basics, so private businesses will flourish - but there will be no opportunity for state-sponsored free-loaders.

As for flaunting it? If you poke your greedy snout too far above the trough, don't be surprised if you get it slapped.

Tuesday, 16 August 2011

The Old Bill

Today, I read of the case of a Jamaican criminal whose sentence has been set at eleven months for one reason only; twelve months at Her Majesty's pleasure would trigger deportation proceedings. The predictable cries are to replace the Human Rights Act with a British Bill of Rights. What possible good would that achieve?

A bill, an act, whatever you wish to call it, would simply replicate the whole misguided menu of entitlement. Why not instead - when I am King - replace the whole lot with a form of behavioral contract, something like this:

You agree to behave in a responsible manner, decently towards others and obey the laws of the realm. Easy enough, you must surely concur?

In return, the state agrees to leave you to it, not to intervene in your petty squabbles, to levy tax at a fair and transparent rate and not to spend the money thus collected in meaningless human-rights related claptrap.The state will protect you from invasion, maintain decent standards of hygiene, safety and amenity, fairly represent your views on the world stage and - so far as is reasonable - let you get on with your life.

Fall foul of the contract and you forfeit your basic rights pretty swiftly, including your right not to be summarily executed by a member of the state machinery going about his business. Any lawyer arguing about your criminality and punishment on the grounds of your 'rights' will be invited to share your sentence.

No need to thank me; I get to be King and that's thanks enough. :o)

Monday, 15 August 2011

That'll Learn 'em

So, David Cameron thinks that he will be able to opt out of the Human Rights Act and that all sixteen-year-old will attend 'non-military national service'? Call me a cynic - you would be spot-on, by the way - but he is talking out of his Old Etonian backside, surely? Has he not been paying attention for the last forty years?

Ask some teachers, ask the doctors, speak to a few policemen, front-line social workers, firemen and paramedics. They will tell you, Dave, that all your high talk will be useless without a means of compulsion.

The nation needs nothing short of a bottom-up overhaul of values. Yes, you need to deploy effective sanctions against the wealthy and privileged who cheat, but don't go squandering the support you currently have from the majority of the ordinary citizens for some long-overdue, heavy-handed, downright old-fashioned beatings to be administered where needed.

Set up detention camps with subsistence catering and harsh physical regimes. Separate and segregate families and sexes. Hit them hard - literally, if they don't toe the line - and instill an absolute fear of the power of authority. Then set them all to work. They can repair the damage in chained gangs. They can pick up dog shit in their bare hands. They can wade into our polluted canals and rivers and remove the trash they parked there and they can be publicly humiliated should they dare to refuse.

Failure to comply with all the terms of their incarceration should attract punitive measures such as withdrawal of meals, blankets, all comforts and any kind of privilege such as being allowed to even take a dump in private. There should be NO access to television or any form of communication with the outside world, no access to drugs, including tobacco alcohol and drug substitutes and the only way they can get out is by complete submission to the system and completion of the entirety of their sentences.

This programme may have to extend to decades, if it is to work properly, but as already mentioned, the support is there from the ordinary, decent, working citizen, who fully understands but scarcely believes the insane cost of the current system of kid-gloves imprisonment.

A penal reform beyond anything the government would dare need not cost the earth and it would provide cost-effective employment. But more than anything else it needs to be feared by those who currently fear nothing.

Tuesday, 9 August 2011

London's Burning

So, the scum has risen to the top. For the moment, at least.

For the last three days Britain has been kept awake by the noise of sirens, the only noises to overcome the sound of hurled bricks, the smashing of plate glass and the crackle of the flames engulfing the property of hard-working, decent human beings.

The rioting is nothing of the sort; unfuelled by any suggestions of wrongs being righted, of grievances being aired, this is nothing other than raw human nature being exposed for the fragile thing it really is. So-called civilisation is nothing more than the collective willpower of a relatively small number of higher thinkers and is maintained by nothing more than the elective cooperation of the masses of less lofty thinkers who inhabit an intellectual hinterland that is short on originality but long on simple decency.

The thugs engaged in the current rounds of looting and arson, violence and disorder occupy neither camp and can rationally be viewed only as sub-human. And they can only be effectively dealt with by maintaining this distinction. If we imagine them to be a part of our own species our endeavours can only founder on the shoals of human emotion. But if we can truly see them as vermin, the solutions are all too clear.

We eradicate vermin, don't we? We kill the breeding population and eradicate their habitats. Why should it be any different just because this particular strain of pest happens to superficially resemble ourselves?

So, bring on the army, give the orders to fire and provide overtime funding for the clean-up crews. It's the only 'right' solution and it's long overdue.

Friday, 5 August 2011

The Plunge

So, I did it, I bought one of those infernal tablets. The latest Samsung thing, at least that's what the kid in the shop told me. It's what I'm writing this on right now. And it's proof, if proof were needed, of our innate inability to make good decisions. Let me tell you why:

After some days of dithering; yes I wanted one, no I didn't, what use would it be, could I afford it and other such essential discussion points, I got decisive. Yes, I want one. And yes I know which one.

With an almost definitively decisive leap I arose from my chair, grabbed my keys and wallet and headed to town. The Iconia 500W, a Windows 7 machine with hdmi and usb ports, was exactly what I needed. I reckoned without the magpie within and the big mistake was to allow myself to get sidetracked. No sooner had I asked where I could view the desired object than I was offered an alternative. An alternative that my eyes couldn't turn away from.

And that's what I got; What I deserved.

It's shiny, it's sexy, I'm sure it will be of little real, practical use. But it's mine now and you'll probably have to kill me to get your hands on it.

Wednesday, 3 August 2011

Where's my tablet?

Well, world domination has had to take a bit of a back seat this week as I have been researching the acquisition of one of those new-fangled Tablet thingies.

Principal amongst my concerns is why, in the first place, do I think I want one at all? I mean the only thing I feel the need to be able to do on the move is write stuff now and then and as tablets are hardly the best writing platform, this seems a futile pursuit. Yet pursue it I have, to the extent of standing for hours in stores watching the piss-poor transfer speeds and asking the wrong sort of questions of the credulous staff.

I don't want a contract, so how do I connect? Can I use a USB dongle? (Well not if there's no USB port, for a start.) And what about what I can actually run on the thing? Assuming I can connect I can, I guess, use The Cloud. But can I also download and work offline on such things as MSWord? The jury is still out. I expect the shop assistants (surely there's another, more important, more upbeat, more aspirational word for them these days?) are relieved now to return to watching smutty videos on YouTube along with the more ovine customer of tradition.

Will I get one. And if I do, how much will I pay? Will I go for a whizzy, bang up to the minute, you can't bend it affair, or opt for a nice cheap and cheerful one that the cool kids can laugh at?

I really don't know. But when I DO make up my mind, rest assured the future of Western civilisation may well be planned upon its shiny seductive surface.

Monday, 1 August 2011

Feeding the Famine

Always ready to help, I have a fix for world famine.

No doubt you think you've spotted a flaw in the sniper solution? What to do with the carnage? No problem. Not only is it not a problem, it is actually a great opportunity. Goods get re-distributed, so there will always be a healthy market in pre-enjoyed possessions and no doubt entrepreneurs will quickly arrive on the scene to kick-start that process. As for the carcasses, why waste good meat?

Of course it sounds a bit off-colour but have you seen what the processed food industry manages to make you eat. I'm sure that 'long pig' will be effectively assimilated into the food chain and in any case, if you are fussy there are plenty of people who are not.

And of course, while some of the offenders against my regime might possibly be missed, what better consolation for their relatives that, as well as acting as a superb deterrent against further aberrant activity, they continue post-animation to atone for their ways.

And, as obesity will in itself be a crime, we can maintain society's poorest by feeding the fat to the feckless.

No need to thank me.