Happy New Horrorshow

So here we all are again and another year over, done for, sorted, fizzled out... and as we drag our weary carcasses into 2013 what can we expect from the grey, drizzly months ahead?

A dose of reality says that the just and justifiable war on welfare will continue, as it must, until the ridiculous notion of propping up everybody on benefits is ended. The opposition can belly-ache all they like, but they were instrumental in getting us here by a deliberate policy of prescribing addictive handouts for everybody except the super-rich, who they believed would happily pay for it for ever and ever, Armani.

But of course it’s going to be much worse than that. Breaking the addicts’ cravings will cause pain up and down the food chain as welfare is replaced by black marketeering and a bit of light looting which, as actual crimes, will be far outside the remit of the police force who are far too busy breaking organised offence-taking activities and stamping out malicious gossip on Twitter. The twittle-twattle battle will continue.

But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? Well, it ain’t the sun, and it’s unlikely to be any sort of new beginning so, sod it, forget the load of old bollocks we’ve had until now and let’s greet 2013 with some cheery NostraBatsby predictions.

2013 will be the year when all political parties will competitively embrace gay marriage and in that spirit, Ed Balls will lovingly plight his troth with Ed Miliband while their ex-wives get it on in a highly publicised girl-on-girl bout, eventually garnering thirty-seven hits on YouTube... gangnam style!

A five year old retired wind turbine will be elected as head of the Green Party in a closely fought leadership battle against newly-avowed eco-warrior, Abu Qatada, who having renounced Islam in favour of an even more unfeasible belief system now has his hopes set on the biggest council house in the land; Number 10.

In foreign news the European Commission will decree that the use of the word ‘Farage’ will be punishable by the newly restored death penalty. Anybody found guilty of ‘Faraging’ or inflicting ‘Faragement’ on another will be subjected to a slow, but inevitable choking process comprised entirely of indecipherable bureaucratic diktats, edicts and directives. A new red-tape dawn for 'Yerp'.

In the summer the royal family will welcome its newest member and in a bid for popularism the young Prince Mohammed Andrzejek Leroy Manny-Already will be baptised in a Judeo-Christian-Islamic-Rastafarian-Zoroastrian ceremony in a yurt at Glastonbury, presided over by Simon Cowell and the winner of the latest Britain’s Got Nothing Better To Do show.

Global warming – sorry, climate change – will cause ice storms in Kent and a minor tsunami off the Mull of Kintyre, while golf balls the size of hailstones will batter Cornwall throughout much of July and East Anglia will become a series of flat, muddy islands and be redesignated as a shipping area: “Fisher, Dogger, German Bight, Humber, Peterborough...”

In summary then, a year ahead much as every other year. And all we can do is look helplessly on as we slide deeper into the abyss. And on that positive note - A Happy New Year to you all!