NewMaths

Did I miss the memo saying this month is opposites month? 

David Cameron takes credit for negotiating a cut in the EU budget, which results in the UK’s contribution actually increasing. The government reduces the absurdly generous subsidies for wind power, which causes a rush in applications and thus yet more bird-choppers are approved and the cost of everybody’s fuel bills goes inexorably upward. And the one hundred and fifty-three people who might possibly benefit from so-called gay marriage now constitute a majority. I'm confused; everything seems to be the wrong way round.

Another divisive example of Britain’s political hall of distorting mirrors is the eternal problem of the NHS. As more and more money is poured into the bottomless pit of healthcare, it has become clearer after the Stafford hospital scandal that the more we spend the worse it gets. Yet the Tories who say they desperately want to make it both better serve patients and be more affordable are derided as monsters whilst Labour under whose guardianship it become a self-serving, totalitarian state of its own are somehow clinging to the moral high ground. 

These anomalies seem absurd until you appreciate that we are truly moving with the times and using progressive new algorithms. The Met Office seemed to adopt the policy years ago; on the basis that people don’t really listen anyway the weather forecast has to be carefully parsed for its true meaning. Thus predicted snow translates as wet, sunny becomes overcast and ‘a bit breezy’ translates into hurricanes across the south. 

Under Ingsoc the Ministry of Truth does its level best to keep us on the right track and employs the dumbed-down politics of tribal loyalty to achieve those aims. Thus, whatever you know to be true, any attempt to reform the biggest healthcare system on the planet is a cue to boo the nasty Tories, any effort to curb the excessive salaries of self-appointed local authority officials is, yes, a cue to boo the nasty Tories and a suggestion we live within our means and actually earn that living is an attack on the very fabric of our sacred Welfare State.

To surrender your mind to that state is, of course, the whole aim of Ingsoc here on Airstrip One and just as with Newspeak, Newmaths is the key. Newmaths recognises the continuum theory of numbers, that all numbers exist on a wheel; you travel far enough in one direction and eventually you return to the where you started: 1, 2, 3, 4... 1. So, vote Labour, you get Socialism, yet vote Conservatism and what do you get? An almost identical Socialism. A vote for the LibDems is, of course, a ticket to Room 101 for re-education where you will be taught, as Winston Smith was, that two plus two equals five; you don’t just say it, you really see it.

So there is no such thing as left and right in UK politics, yet Labour activists manage to refer to policies and people as being on the extreme right, apparently unaware that the further right you go, the more left you become. Right plus further right equals Fascism; a perfect example of extreme left-wing ideology. Newmaths; with work, it will set you free. Double the chocolate ration, comrades, means half the chocolate ration but although you can see less chocolate you truly believe you've won. And if we say it's beef on the packet it's beef in the packet.

More spending = less spending. Getting to grips with the deficit = a bigger deficit. Being tough on benefits = more spending on welfare. When I was at school we did Chinese Maths. I think the politicians learned it too - they can only do takeaways.