Conspiracy? What Conspiracy?

Conspiracy theories abound regarding the missing Malaysia Airlines flight MH370. From terrorism to aliens to remote ‘cyber-jacking’, to the pilot being a bit miffed at his government. When Amelia Earhart disappeared in 1937 it was a different, simpler age; it was 1937 for a start and she just didn’t make it. But today, with all the world’s press and social media going into speculation overload and the entire planet’s intelligence machinery working overtime we still know nothing. A plane load of passengers along with its sophisticated navigation and tracking technology simply disappears and nobody on this twenty-first century world can tell us what happened.

It's easy to believe that everything you are told is a lie, a half-truth or an honest falsehood. Nobody knows anything. Nobody. And there’s a reason; if they tell you stuff you’ll have an informed opinion and nothing is so dangerous these days than the loose cannon of an opinion you formed based on the facts. If you have the facts you are free to come up with any old conclusion and heaven knows, some of you may stumble upon the truth which will never do. No, far better for peace and harmony and easy control to feed you a line, or for balance, two lines; that way you get the semblance of veracity and also have something to squabble about.

Take Crimea. They just voted overwhelmingly to return to Russian rule and Obama just said that vote will never be recognised. You see, this is what happens when people make the ‘wrong’ choices based on the wrong facts. That’s why they don’t tell you what happens in the EU institutions because you’d be appalled and angry. Then, because they don’t tell you, you have no basis on which to make an informed choice should a referendum be offered, which is why there will be no referendum. And besides, they wouldn’t want you to vote recklessly, impetuously, because you are appalled and angry. This concealing of the facts is simply to keep your sensitive, feeble minds from having to deal with the unfortunate consequences of democracy.

The NHS, crime, employment, unemployment, immigration, welfare spending, defence, education, roads, railways, energy generation… in all these areas you don’t really know the facts because you just don’t need to. You don’t need to because if even the ‘experts’ are split on party lines, what chance is there that you, with your busy lives, would have the remotest chance of processing them and coming to a responsible conclusion? All of human existence is based around ‘what if?’ and ‘if only’ and you make your supposedly democratic choices based on which fairy tale you believe. Limit the choice, narrow the options and turn it into a simple black or white selection. Trust me, it’s easier for everybody that way.

What about HS2? Where did the idea come from?  Nobody asked us, you say. True, nobody did. That’s because you are too ignorant of the facts to make an informed choice. But we’ve already got good enough rail links to the capital, you say. Yes but this would be better, they tell you. But if it is better, you say, won’t that mean more people migrate from poorer regions to London, leaving a skill shortage in the north to the benefit of London and the detriment of everywhere else? Ah yes, they say, but that way we can milk their higher earnings for taxes and redistribute that tax to you. And think of the jobs!

But where is the money coming from today? And everybody up here is already living off benefits anyway and nobody has ever done a job, so we can’t get skilled people, so we import them from Europe... and then we have nowhere to house them. That forces house prices up and then, their kids end up better educated than yours so when they leave school they will to have to travel south for work because the track their parents built has been completed. Yes ‘they’ say, exactly. That’s why we need HS2, you see – that’s joined up government! And by now your head has exploded.

Eventually all you tiresome Brits will die out and stop complaining. But until then we have to organise amusements to stop you thinking too hard. Where is flight MH370? It doesn’t matter… you wouldn’t understand. But because it makes no difference and costs nothing, feel free to speculate. I’m going with aliens.