Thursday, 12 January 2017
Buzzfeed’s leaked intelligence that the CIA have actual video of Michelle Obama fellating a horse while Donald Trump pleasures a donkey with Barry looking on, masturbating into Tony Blair’s opened and gently steaming skull, may not be verified by anybody actually seeing said tape, but this hasn’t stopped YouTube from pre-banning it. No fake news for the popular online vloggers; everything you see is exactly as it happened.
Most news is fake news – have you ever read a report on a subject you know a great deal about and found sheer bollocks in every paragraph? Well why should it be any different when it’s politics, or war, or celebrity shenanigans; Kim Kardashian’s arse alone has its own team of reporters working round the clock to bring you untruths you never even realised you needed to know. How in the world is the average Joe to tell what’s real? Although celebrities have their own special world affairs advisors to keeps them informed; this is why Lily Allen, Meryl Streep and the Cumberdumbers are so well-informed.
If yesterday’s press junket with The Donald was a glimpse of things to come – I do hope they call them ‘Press Trumpets’ from now on – we are in for a world of confusion; the Trump train is going to be a whole lot of fun in 2017. ‘It is reported’ has replaced the authoritative statement of fact when announcing news, along with ‘unconfirmed speculation’ and ‘alleged’. In an age when everybody has the ability to record and broadcast events as they happen you would imagine we ought to be getting closer to the truth, not further away.
Even the BBC were dismissed yesterday as ‘another beauty’ alongside children’s news channel Buzzfeed, the entire Fox network and Citizens Naughty News, as Trump ushered in a whole new era. Want to know the next big thing in news coverage? Well, much like the partisan readership of newspapers, broadcast news is known for its bias, so the natural development is to allow viewers and listeners to contribute their own facts to the story. Already, tweeted comments are often ticker-taped across current affairs reportage; why not let @AngryAngus edit the content as well?
You can already download an app to your smart phone which searches for the latest bulletins and automatically edits them so as to appeal to your interests and allegiances. Thus an unconfirmed allegation that a famous footballer has been involved in a hotel-room ‘romp’ can be variously be presented as a harmless bit of fun, the worst excesses of pampered wealth, a grave career-threatening error of judgement, or an impending court case. The app also allows you to vote for your favourite version and then compiles and issues a verdict. The errant striker can then be variously applauded, shamed, or issued a court summons within minutes of the original event. Isn’t technology wonderful?
Extra! Extra! Write all about it!
They have called this the post-truth, post-factual age, an era when nothing you see or hear or read can be relied on. Facts ain’t what they used to be and truth is what you make it. Instead of presenting said facts and allowing you to draw your own conclusions – a process far too rigorous and effort-heavy all round – it is so much easier, cheaper and faster for you just to turn to a source which supports your unshakeable prejudices and leave the cumbersome facts for history to assemble once the verdict is in. You read it here first...