From Zero to Eternity

Rejoice, comrades, for the race to Net Zero has been won. Because of the natural lag in collecting, analysing and amending all the statistical data to arrive at the correct conclusion, the reaching of this milestone was overlooked at the time, but we have run the figures, and then run them again and it is now undeniable that the United Kingdom has exceeded its brave remit to become carbon zero.

In fact, it is far better than that because now that the wind turbines also suck carbon-dioxide out of the very air itself, the proliferation of atmosphere farms has turned us into a negative carbon superpower. The carbon capturing ability – and on this there can be no doubting the science – is more than enough to cancel out all of Britain’s industrial CO₂ emissions. This includes all the fried chicken shops, the carbon dioxide breathed out by Deliveroo bike couriers, and all the hot air expended by Ladbrokes customers and Parliament combined.

Better yet is the now proven fact that every mile driven in an electric vehicle literally improves air quality by 50%. This means that as every Tesla Monstatruk_[TM] passes you by, on your long march to the lithium mines, your lungs grow healthier with each breath you take. And for every new solar-photovoltaic panel you install, your social credit score increases by a full two percent, for which The Party thanks you.

The passing of all manufacture and information technology to the control of China has effectively put us under the protectorate of the most powerful industrial and military conglomerate on the planet. This means we are no longer beholden to the United States for defence and we have become self sufficient in Chinese energy, food and security.

And, due to this happy partnership, we are able to avail ourselves of the CCP's wonderful techniques for disseminating the good news, of which there is plenty. No longer are we bound by strictly impartial news reporting, or any of that freedom of speech lunacy which so dominated the last struggling decade before we ascended the plateau to zero. No, all that is required under the various five year plans is to announce that the plan has succeeded.

Naturally, having met all of our targets, it is imperative that the people’s committees and cooperatives set new ones. There is one downside, however. Despite the days of plenty and glorious abundance with which the telescreens are filled, some anti-party activists insist on trying to spread malicious propaganda. The weekly die-ins, at which hundreds expire from what they choose to call hunger are unseemly and undignified. And they achieve nothing.

We must resist, with every fibre of our being, those negative messages of want. There is no want; we can see this demonstrated daily on TikTok. There is no hunger; the screens are full of images of tables, groaning under the sheer weight of food. The people are happy, the people own nothing yet they own everything. And our carbon emissions targets have all been exceeded. And we know this because Comrade Miliband tells us it is so.