Wednesday 3 April 2013

A Touch of Class

So, we wake to a new day and a whole new way of being labelled, classified, graded and packaged. As Shakespeare wrote, “How many goodly creatures are there here! How beauteous mankind is! O brave new world, That has such people in't.” Gone are the Upper, Middle and Lower and all the sub-grades in between. In come the seven circles of hell on earth as experts regrade our social structure... probably on the back of a fag packet.

I took the test and based on my deluded sense of self I came up Technical Middle Class. Well, that can’t be right at all. After all, I know my entitlement and I’m more what you’d call ruling class, surely? This survey must be flawed, which shows just how far you can trust the experts to screw up. An expert is, after all, another word for the unemployable who nevertheless manage to con huge amounts of money from the public purse for their pointless pontificating. 

I may as well do it myself. So here, based on extensive research on Twitter, are my new sophisticatedly nuanced and socially sensitive class grades.

Lucky Fuckers: The most privileged class in Great Britain who dine on swan and quaff champagne as celebrate their having been born into high society. They don’t do fuck-all, they don’t know fuck-all but they do fuck-all real harm to any other fucker. 

Dodgy Fuckers: These are the self-made, the Alan Sugars, who have risen high on the backs of others but like to talk about how they started out flogging hooky gear out the back of a van and deserve every dirty penny. While patronising high profile caring charities, they will nevertheless shit on any fucker who gets in their way. 

Decent Fuckers (Also known as Technical Middle Class - see my test results for reference): This is the top level of social strata that you can access without going through security controls. The salt of the earth made good, and the social class who all lower classes secretly aspire to reach.

Busy Fuckers: This is the class that does the business. Ducking and diving, dreaming up smart phone apps and making fortunes overnight. They are a young and fit, attractive and active and frankly quite annoying. (But they’ll be old one day, so…) 

Meddling Fuckers: This new class has low economic capital and little experience of real life but they absolutely believe in the sharing out of Decent and Busy Fuckers’ income among those who can’t be arsed. Often working long hours for little pay they should be applauded, but their naïve wholesaling swallowing of juvenile political agenda means the best you can hope for is that they grow out of it. (Owen Jones - this is you) They are exploited by:

Lazy Fuckers: Formerly the Working Class, few of them now admit to wanting to actually work when it’s so much easier to prey on the class above and live a life on the state. Although older examples of this class profess to missing the good old days and occasionally don the Pearly and sing about knees, boiled beef and following vans in Lambeth, they are a shadow of their former worthy status. 

Which leaves us with the final class. This was a difficult sector to classify as many of its typical members may not even be actually human. 

Useless Fuckers: The professors prefer the term 'Precariat' to describe those fuckers who fuck and breed without apparently knowing the connection between the two. Capable only of taking, they act as breeding colonies, dumping their offspring into the care of the state in the hope that one day one of them might win the lottery off the back of a stolen scratchcard or get rich in an honest trade such as flogging counterfeit fags and booze, or running a skunk factory..

I look up to him 'cause he's a Lucky Fucker.

And there you have it. I don't know how long it took the so-called experts and how much it cost but it took me less than an hour and I give it to you free, gratis and for nothing. All that remains is for you to tell the world what sort of fucker you are! Comments below...


  1. I am the 'decent fucker' - middle working class, worked my way up, and a student with a job - got test mate, the MPs should take it, and they'd all the ' lucky fuckers' by their logic.

  2. I am a dodgy fucker. Lol. What more can I say :D

  3. As the future Queen I am definitely a Lucky Fucker ;o)

  4. Yes it would have saved the beeb a lot of licence fee money to have commissioned you for thiss article. The weakness of the beeb categorisation is that it has been designed by meddling fuckers to explain all the other fuckers and lays out a crock of socialist coitus

  5. According to the official and therefore it must be true test I am newly affluent?! You what? It sounds like a hideous disease. I am NOT averagely aged at 44 - cheeky bastards. Eternally 28 me.

    Apparently I am sociable, have lots of cultural interests and sits in the middle of all the groups in terms of wealth:I am sitting in the middle of a messy bedroom scrabbling stuff togather to see at the CarBoot because I have NOT ENOUGH WEALTH.

    "This youthful class group" is economically secure, without being well off - well the first bit is true. The last bit is a downright lie! Who the hell is secure these days??
    I suppose I do have high scores for emerging culture, such as watching sport, going to gigs and using social media - without it I'd be Batsbyless!
    I donot tend to participate in highbrow culture, such as classical music and theatre - no because it's poncy!! Except Grease the musical was top class! Does that count?
    "People in this group are likely to come from a working class background" <<<< tru dat.
    Many people in this group live in old manufacturing centres of the UK in the Midlands and North West
    Again - it's almost as if the monitored my IP address and tailored it for me ergo I believe it all!

    Now then as for the REAL class system devised by yourself - I still maintain that I want to eat Swans. When will I be a Lucky fucker?

    You can find sentences JUST like these and more besides over at might little blog!


    1. Patience, my wee one, patience. Writing IS rewriting... that's the key. Having said that, I knocked up today's blog in a little over forty minutes! *checks for typos*

  7. You dedicated almost five lines of text to the'Useless fuckers' whereas only five words might have sufficed...... i.e.

    Another masterpiece as usual....
    Chris Waddington

    1. Thank you kindly, sir!

    2. Well, a wholly useless exercise in my view.
      That said, it would appear that Ole' TT falls into the same category as the Great Batsby so the BBC just cannot be wrong!

    3. That's just because you 'know' an electrician! :o)

  8. Replies
    1. Glad to hear it. Now off you go and pay your taxes so them Lazy Fuckers can have a life!

  9. I must be an unlucky fucker: has ambitions, wants to earn plenty of cash, gets shat on by every other fucker instead...