Tuesday, 9 April 2013

Ding Dong!

Oh my head! I love party politics! I was up all night partying and singing the song I was taught at my mother’s knee. It was a riot. The song goes “Ding dong the witch is dead...” I don’t know any other lines but neither did any of us in halls. I should explain: I’m at university studying Politics and Philosophy because that’s the way to get a really good job and earn loads of money, which the Mighty Ed has shown is ‘the Socialist way’.

The Champagne’s flowing because somebody called Mrs Thatcher died yesterday and the whole world can now be free again. We don’t really study her at uni because there’s no room in the syllabus for such a divisive monster, according to Professor Owen, or Eóin or however it’s spelled... or pronounced.  But I know she was super-horrid because my mum told me all about her. Of course, my mum doesn’t really remember her – she was only a kid in school when I was born - but she passed the knowledge down from my gran.

Gran is very wise – she is 48 after all – and she made sure I was prepared for any argument with a hated Thatcher supporter by telling me the facts! Everybody knows that facts are much more important and much more effective than just bigoted opinion. So here I give you the facts about “Fatcha” The Factcha, if you will:

1. When Fatcha was in power education was free. This was ridiculous because it could bankrupt the country and back then it meant that any idiot could go to university. Well, that started the rot for sure and you can see that legacy even today; I look around me and see a bunch of brainwashed idiots – especially the engineers who seem to want to get on and do stuff all the time, instead of talking it through for hours like we do.

2. Immediately after the Second World War, when it was desperately needed, she personally went round all the schools and literally stole the free milk from needy children, one by one. Straight out their mouths, like. As a result, half the adult population grew up with brittle bones and rickets and stuff. The hateful cow! Of course, they are all long dead now, so nobody will ever hear their story.

3. Because Arthur Scargill, the brave freedom fighter and most popular person in the country, was winning the War of the Mines, she deliberately invaded Argentina by colonising The Falklands – which are a group of islands off the west coast of Scotland – and made friends with General Bill Grano, the sick man of Europe, who then closed the British Leyland factory and put eleven million people on the sick.

4. Then she set fire to the coal mines, demolished the steel mills and flooded all the Welsh valleys and in a disgraceful show of guilt caused billions of pounds worth of hard-working people’s taxes to be sent to try and redevelop those areas. The nasty, spiteful bitch wanted everybody to find work, instead of living off benefits which is their right in a compassionate socialist country. And all that stuff caused global warming, so it’s her fault we have German wind turbines everywhere now.

5. She believed that everybody should provide for themselves if they can and we should only care for the old and infirm and children and ‘the less fortunate’. How hateful is that? On our course we are taught how everybody is better off when we all care for everybody else, because ordinary people are pretty thick and need to be told what to think. We are all ready to take offence and intervene on behalf of people too stupid to be offended themselves. She believed in low taxes, small state and self-determination when any fool can see that if we all shared everything out and everybody worked for the state we’d all be equal. I mean, it stands to sense, doesn’t it?

6. Every bad thing that has ever happened to any person, any company, any industry or any region; Any bad thing that has ever happened to any country, to the planet, to the weather and even to the universe itself is all directly attributable to ‘The Big Bang’ which is how Margaret Thatcher started the expansion of the universe, which is ‘a bad thing’, probably. I think that’s proven fact.

I couldn't find a picture of the evil Fatcha, so here's a 
nice one of somebody who looks a bit like my Gran.

So, even though I still don’t really know who she was and don’t care anyway, I’m glad she’s dead. She’s gone and with her go the slaves to her controlling policies. Now, everybody can finally be free again. Free to work together for the glorification of the mother state, from whose wondrous teat we all must suckle. For ever and ever, Amen.

Oh. I found an alternative view here. But my tutors tell me it's all lies.


  1. Quite brilliant, King-to-be, though you forgot one important quote from the Witch about the trouble with socialism being you eventually run out of other people's money.

    This, as we know from studying Balls, et al, is blatantly not true. You print more money, you find ways to take it off people. There is, in fact, loadsamoney out there. More than you ever imagined, and it is limitless.

    The Labour party -- to whom we doff our working cloth caps -- have cultivated a whole forest of money trees, and though all of them are in Europe (who are our closest friends no matter what) we simply pluck the cash as needed.

    True that this monstrous woman gave a whole bunch of humour-free stand-up comedians the funniest punchline evah. They just had to say "Fatcha" every so often and we all fell about laughing hysterically and wetting our nappies. So, while I hate to say it because fairness isn't on our socialist agenda, she did some good.

    The nappy industry blossomed after her.

    1. I said it yesterday - the other people's money quote.

  2. LOVE point 5....." ready to take offence on bealf of people too stupid to be offended themselves"
    Well written.

    Personally I thought the little kids on TV yesterday saying they were "glad" she was dead needed a good slap, ( and I was an anti poll tax demonstrator ) but I would have liked to see them showing a few Spitting Image bits rather than the over reverent comments.

    Who else remembers the one set in a restaurant with the Cabinet. Mrs T orders first........"and the vegetables ?" queries the waiter. Mrs T turns to look at the cowering wimps and replies..." they'll have the same as me ."


    1. Everybody remembers that. They played it many times on radio and TV yesterday.

  3. Not in America..so thanks for sharing that one, Anon..well written as usual Batsby...can always count on you to succinctly get the point across to the rest of us...trust most normal types in Britain are proud of the Thatcher legacy..the video we see of Brixton is not only appalling but frightening...Fendi

    1. As always it's the squeaky wheel that gets the grease. Plenty remember what she achieved but it's the noisy children trying to dominate with their left-wing agenda of hatred of anybody they disagree with. The Left have shown their true, envious colours these last two days. Were it up to me I would be identifying targets for the first round of the cull.

  4. Still enjoy your writing...it's an interesting perspective.