Notes from the Stage

Ah, conference season; the time of year when the party faithful gather to sing comradely songs about the good old decades of our heyday. To savour the memory of the shortening days (and three day weeks) when the dwindling turnip harvests used to signal the start of a bright new winter of wildcat strikes, shortages and power cuts, all of which could be conveniently blamed on the Tory Party’s profligacy, when last in-office, in cutting taxes and raising employment and generally removing their heavy hands from the rudder of the ship of state… the vicious, privileged, wealth-creating bastards.

Do they not understand that stout working people don’t want to own their own homes? Or that nobody who lives in a council house wants to be burdened with making decisions about lofty national issues such as nutrition, education, aspiration or life chances? Do the Conservatives not realise that every child is a ward of state and independence is a condition they do not have the capacity to even crave, let alone exercise? When will the Tories grow up and grasp the fact that private money is theft and personal choice is a false god? We will keep the red flag dying here, if it kills us!

The Labour Party needs new blood, which is why we will both curb then fight to keep and eventually increase Child Benefit until it is sufficient incentive, of itself, to increase the speed of the breeding programme. Only by unrestrained fertility can we hope to outcompete the human tidal wave of immigration unleashed by the nasty Tory party. If we hadn't spent all the money last time round just think how many more people would want to come to Britain? If even in austerity they teem, imagine how they would flock to our shores in prosperity? So, to keep Britain for the British we will oppose every Tory cutback while promising to be even tougher on spending. We think that sends a clear message, that when it comes to opportunity, Labour is everything you would expect it to be.

People – stupid, ignorant people – have asked how we will fund our promised minimum wage increase. Well, stupid ignorant, bigoted people, we will do it by the time-honoured method pioneered in our glory years; inflation. When inflation was running at 15% people were getting pay rises every week. So popular was it that other people went on strike to show solidarity. If that is not a sign of a successful economy then we don’t know what is! It is all down to turnover; increase turnover, increase output, become great again. Roar for moar!

To save the NHS we will greatly increase throughput, to which end we will shortly announce our plan for a national food programme based mostly on the health-giving properties of a potato-only diet. Soon the NHS will be overflowing and you will have us to thank for making it that way. No, save your applause, for there is more. We will apply the same indisputable logic to the housing crisis – only by tearing down whole streets of private-rented slumlord property and publicly humiliating the evil scum who own them will we create the right climate to encourage new investment in house building. As nobody will be able to afford to buy property any more, the market will be forced to build to rent and as we will cap those rents everybody will win under Labour.

Balls!

They used to say you can’t trust Labour on the economy. They used to say that Labour had a poverty of aspiration. They used to say that Labour never learns. Well, they don’t say that any more… they know we’re just not listening. Give us a decade to fix the country. We promise you, after that you won't recognise Britain any more.