Monday, 9 May 2016


Today is Europe’s annual celebration of the liberty and prosperity we enjoy thanks to the sacrifices of a generation of young heroes who when called were not found wanting. Men and women who put their country and their countrymen ahead of shallow personal ambitions and did the right thing. Europe was saved by their selfless devotions and Europe does not forget its debt; today, we celebrate Europe Day. On this national holiday, the millions of grateful survivors of the pre-EU era don European national dress and sing the glorious anthem of the republic of Europe: “Tomorrow Belongs To Me.” It has, of course, been translated from the original language into the European we all speak today.

As we gather together to remind ourselves of the gallant sacrifices made by people like David Cameron, Angela Merkel and Recep Tayyip Erdoğan to bring peace to the world there will be events up and down the country. As well as the traditional beacon-lighting, originally begun to represent the abolishing of the old monarchies, there will be an attempt to link hands all the way from the border with Free-Scotland to the beaches of Azerbaijan. This is to mark the completion of the combined causeway and tidal energy system across what used to be called the English Channel; cut off from the motherland, the people of that land were once as rebellious and troublesome as the handful of Scots who survive today.

As something of an amateur historian I had been researching those dark days and I found – or at least I thought I had found – some evidence for a civilisation before the Europa Caliphate. It seemed that there once was another European day called VE Day celebrated by pure coincidence on the eve of our current national day. But that day has long been forgotten, along with the history of war and famine and disease it marked. Just as well, as it appears to have been a time of collective madness. This old photograph I found clearly shows this:

Who do you think you are kidding... ?
Filthy monocultural savages run riot...

As you can see, people in this ancient country – I hesitate to call it a civilisation – were all of the same ugly and malformed type and went about half-naked and drunk. Thankfully, the mandatory unigender burka has banished that problem forever. Also, they insisted on something called ‘democracy’ and claimed it as their right to do and say whatever they wished. They even entertained the notion that government should work for the people and not, as is so clearly correct, the other way round.

Luckily today we let our wise young people police our behaviour and last night I was correctly berated on EuroTwitter for hinting at my research. I now accept that I was wrong to try and look beyond the official history – there is nothing to be gained by bringing up the past. So now I will join with others of our great nation and rejoice in this wonderful day. Raise a glass of turnip juice, slaughter a lamb and salute the starry blue flag of peace!