Wednesday, 4 May 2016
Too Kool for Skool
Well, comrades, what a glorious day for socialism it was yesterday. I am fresh from the picket lines with the stirring songs of the sons of toil still ringing through my savage breast. My brave, brave children stood resolute in the face of mild spring weather and learned the valuable, real life lessons which will stay with them for the rest of their days and ensure that in the struggle for hearts and minds, right will always prevail.
Oh how my heart sang as they waved their dear little junior placards at the passing traffic and shouted “Tory scum!” at all the blue cars. How dare this monstrous, police state dictatorship impose their horrific social engineering and propaganda on MY children. How dare the evil Tories attempt to inculcate in my innocent offspring the dangerous and discredited principle of reward for endeavour, for do we not live in a world of plenty, where all may share, according to their need?
When Jocasta and Nelson informed me of the interrogation – for no other word could describe their hell that awaited them at school - I was horrified. That a nine-year old should recognise a noun, know when to capitalise a word and that a sentence ends in a full-stop is knowledge that no pre-teen should have to endure. Measuring academic achievement is, quite simply, a tool of the extreme right and we should defend with our last breath the rights of our children to oppose such indoctrination.
Instead, they should be learning of the wondrous possibilities which lie ahead, of futures filled with happiness and hope and the sheer joys of gender choice, intersectionality and miscegenation instead of this capitalist bile. And speaking of bile, we all clapped mightily and spontaneously – this was absolutely not an orchestrated, politically motivated protest – when Nelson spat right in the face of an unenlightened girl in school uniform and yelled “Scab!” at her as she tried to enter the school gates.
She broke down in tears, which did make us question our privileges for a moment, but we quickly realised that we had justice on our side. After all, she will probably end up in the 80% of primary leavers who can actually read and write; the hated, bloody elites! Who needs to possess the skills of naked capitalism when there are people at the DWP who will fill in your benefit claims form on your behalf? No, it is time all we caring parents stood together and stood firm against the hated government. To this end we finished the demonstration with a rousing medley of anti-Thatcher folk songs.
Normal socialist children, yesterday...
I vowed that the Tory government will not infect my children. The Tory government will NOT force them into work they do not wish to do. My children will grow up free and strong and independent of state interference in their lives. They will do as they wish, as is their right and no matter what the obstacles that await them they will overcome. Tomorrow I am enrolling them in private school.