I'd like to teach the world to sing...

The syrupy tones of The New Seekers fades into the distance as, holding hand in hand, they bring love and peace to the world via the medium of Coca-Cola. Actually, the song and the advertisement pre-date the 1971 hit single, but that isn't important; as always, what's important is the message.

Harmony, they sang, why can't we all get along? If we all did things the same way, if our weights and measures were harmonised, a component made in one country would easily integrate with a machine made elsewhere. If Frankfurter's bolt could slide easily into Nancy's nut we'd all get along, side by side, top to tail, hand in hand, gland in gland.

And if industry, they argued, why not our infrastructure; strategic, political and economic? Hey, here's a plan, let's all use the same money! Of course. It's so much easier to quantify a trade deficit without all that messy currency converting to distort the figures. Oh, and, talking of money, harmonisation doesn't come cheap, you know. Cough up. (Cough up? At the cost of our membership I'm coughing up a lung here!)

Regional variation? You must be kidding! Local produce? Give over! Cornish Pasties, Melton Mowbray pies, Yorkshire pudding; they'll all have to go. In the future we'll have standardised, normalised, harmonised, homogenised Euro-fodder. Victory Pie will become Glorious Project Pie. Coronation Chicken will become Rompuy's Delight (contains traces of chicken) and Upside Down Cake will be, well, it will be just the approved standard cake.

If we could get people to be "shorter in height we could fit twice as many in the same building site; you'll see it's all right." (For any youngsters who click on that link; don't worry, music was LIKE that in the olden days.) Hey, we could even harmonise our terrorists. In the future they will all come with an eye patch and a hook-hand, so we can spot them in a crowd - although this didn't seem to work in the UK when trialled over the last two decades.

Standardised, homogenised Euro-pattern terrorist

David Cameron has said a referendum on Europe is not a priority. It seems we're on our own then. So, join with me. If we all hold hands and huff and puff hard enough we can blow down the house of cards, we can blow the dark, Satanic Euro-windfarms back to Deutschland and we can turn back the tides... or suffer hernias in the process. Were else does the wind go when you strain too hard? Oh yes, Europe - Blow it out your arse!