Old Labour Hubbard

Next door to the woman who lives in a shoe, where she earns more than a doctor just for having so many children she doesn’t know what to do... Round the corner from Little Jack Horner, the union official with the plum job… Just along the glade from the hill where Jack and Jill famously earned Jack’s disability living allowance, lives old Mother Hubbard. Seeking to feed her poor little doggie, Mother Hubbard proceeded to the cupboard where the Labour Party kept all their policy ideas and what did she find? Sweet FA according to Dan Hodges.

In the past Labour has wooed voters by telling them nice things such as mountains are mounds of muffins, clouds are composed of candy floss and rain is made from Mountain Dew. And if we all think nice thoughts and wish very hard we can go on a journey and become stars on X-Fuctor. And nobody ever needs to be called scum. Even when they are the vilest scum imaginable. Because the Labour Party want to be seen as a very nice party; jelly and ice cream and balloons and everything. Everybody say, “Aaaah”. 

But now the chickens are firmly on the roost and all is not well in Miliband’s Marxist wonderland.

Multiculturalism has mangled our traditional sense of fair play and tolerance and created ghettoes and strife and fear and hate. The Diversity Coordinators have spent so long redefining their role, their aims, their purpose in life, their mission statements and their remuneration packages that they now need Diversity Coordinator Coordinators to redefine their role, their aims, etc. 

Education, education, education has been misheard as statistics, statistics, statistics for so long that the current crop of wunderkind are more like “wonder-they-can-spell-their-own-name-kind”. It’s not the teachers’ fault; after all most of them are products of the same failing system. But they are complicit in churning out a dumbed-down electorate which, despite my hearty derision of the Left, I can’t believe was the intention of any sane government.

But look, the party’s over and this time there are no goodie-bags to take home. All the money went on the trifle. And before you trudge home in the dark, it’s time to tell you the truth at last. Because being too nice to you all for too many years was slowly killing you with kindness. 

Life can be roses, but not without effort. Educational attainment can be the route to riches, but not for everybody. School can even be fun, but not all the time. Some make it all the way to the top; most by talent and hard work, some by good fortune, but the top is a very small place and to get there you have to scramble over the heap made up of the rest of us. There it is, the honest truth and reality of life as the planet’s top predator. 

So Michael Gove is surely to be lauded for telling the truth and getting to grips with a crippling national problem. Yes, the teaching profession is going to whinge like buggery but it’s time for them to admit that their fifty years of ‘progressive’ education is largely responsible for our appalling performance measured against the rest of the world. (It’s notable that the best in the world largely use ‘old fashioned’ educational methods.) 

And while we’re telling the truth, George Osborn should also be praised for daring to tell us the money cupboard is bare. So back to the Labour Party. Opposition is usually easy – all you do is gainsay every government proposal and promise milk and honey if you get back into power, but even the serial fantasists of Socialism seem to have admitted the game is up. The lack of any form of coherent opposition policy is a sign, maybe, that reality has finally dawned on Keir Hardie's clan.

Ed explains his economic policy to the nation

But, cheer up folks, there is good news ahead. There must be, otherwise all the newspapers wouldn't already be back to banging on about Kate’s particularly perky party poppers, so all’s well with the world again. Yay!