Thursday 13 September 2012

Tell them about the money, honey...

You must forgive me for my bloggy tardiness this week. I have been detained in ways the details of which you need not know. Suffice to say, I am now at large and at liberty to divulge that which I have gleaned.

Ensconced in close company with an earnest Left I have learned at first hand the serious error of my judgement. I must now atone for my former sin of believing in market forces and base human nature. So quick, make haste and gather close, for I have a tale to tell which may not wait in the telling. Two things have I learned: 

In my hand I grasp the fertile beans of the Socialists’ Magic Money Tree. Sown wisely they will reap prosperity for all and I bestow to you the formula, as vouchsafed to me by that elder. I know you will use it to benefit all mankind. 

State employees are paid out of taxation. From this tax-funded wage, they in turn pay tax, which creates employment for those who collect the revenue. So, the principle is clear; public employment actually creates more employment. By logical extension then, employing more public employees will eventually create full employment and end the need for a welfare state, which was all the fault of the capitalists in the first place, according to gospel. 

When I queried where the money came from to pay these wages I was informed, as if to a backward child, that it came, of course, from the original tax take. “From the private sector?” I offered, to be met with skyward-rolled eyes. “No, silly,” he said, “we get it from the first batch of public employees.” I objected that as they are paid more than they are taxed this couldn’t work, but “Aaaaah” he said, tapping his nose, if we tax them at 25% then after four weeks we’ve got it all back and after five weeks we’re in profit!” 

So, there you have it, the key to all the world’s economic problems. Close the factories, board up the mines and let the fields go to grass, for all can be solved by employing everybody as tax collectors, inspectors, ministers, councillors, coordinators, evangelists, champions and various other jobsworths in Marxist heaven.

Lest you think this is levelling up the playing field by progressively digging down to bedrock and then keeping going, let me reassure you that the wise one would brook no argument against his thesis. The money tree is real. 

Ho ho! That's magic!

But wait! I said I learned of two things. The second is almost as far-reaching as the first. You may need to sit down to hear this particular gem, but to this old fool – and there’s no fool like an old-skool fool – the BBC is nothing more or less than the propaganda arm of the establishment. That’s right, folks. According to the Left, the BBC is institutionally right-wing. 

You couldn’t make it up.

PS: For anybody who subscribes to any form of left-of-centre ideology, I should explain this this blog may best be described as satirical reportage. You know, because you have no sense of humour and all that...