I'm Hank Marvin

Hank Marvin = Starvin' in ersatz Cockney Rhyming Slang. According to Save the Children that's the fate awaiting millions of children in Britain this winter as their families choose between "Eat or heat". With respect (which obviously means I have no respect) bollocks.

How easy the lumpen masses find it to push the buttons of earnest Socialists. The Labour party truly is the party of the underclass, dancing to the beat picked out by their stamping feet and snapping fingers. Boy! Bring me benefits and cower as you lay them before me! 

So, this hunger nonsense... The complaint is raised time and again that these families cannot afford the basics and like bleating sheep the whining Lefty malcontents take up their issue without question. There is an entire class of denizen that thinks all food is brown and we regularly hear how 'poor people' can't afford healthy diets. 

While it will cost you about £10 for a four-person bucket of greasy crap from KFC, for less than the cost of a packet of cancer sticks you could rustle up all manner of healthy, filling food from fresh ingredients; stews, stir-fries and the good old classics like spag-bol. Buy in bulk, avoid anything processed and you’ll feed a family of four for less than a tenner a day, never mind per meal. It’s so easy even men could do it. 

Nobody ‘needs’, crisps, bottled drinks, enormous bags of sweets or indeed anything which comes in brightly-labelled ‘designer’ packaging. ‘Snacking’ was invented by the food industry to persuade you to eat more than you need; to graze your way into dependence and obesity. 

Oi, Miliband, where's my fucking crisps?

So, actually, I welcome the opening of food banks. In fact I’d go one better. As you can’t be trusted with money – your Labour-voting ways are evidence enough of that – I’d open up portion-controlled, welfare dining facilities where you will be fed what’s good for you and nothing else. Your freeview-only TVs will be powered by treadmills (on-demand energy is for tax payers only) and you will have to heave your fat arses off your sofas to walk into town to eat. 

Anybody found in possession of snack food will be shot on sight and the installation of weighbridge checkpoints will allow us to monitor any transgressions. Don’t like it? Well boo-hoo-hoo, it’s not as if you’re actually starving, is it?