Tuesday 2 October 2012

Once upon a time...

Once upon a time there were fairies and dragons and knights and princes and princesses and they all lived in the magical land of Albion and ate venison from happy, free-range deer and drank mead made from honey from happy, buzzy, busy-busy bees. And they all danced and played together; they danced all night and played all day and everybody was happy all of the time because nobody ever had to do any work unless they really, really wanted to.

Then along came the big bad Sheriff of Nottingham who took all the money and all the honey and put the people out into the fields. He laughed at them, working in the snow and rain and asked them if they would like to be inside. "Yes!" cried the people, for it was bloody cold out. So big shelters were built, but they were a dastardly trick and were full of machines. The mean-hearted Sheriff made them work in his new factories until all of the people cried all of the time.

"Oh, woe is us!" they wept, "This is horrid. Won't somebody save us from the nasty Sheriff and make us One Nation again?"

Then one day, the brave Sir Ed appeared. An off-white knight on a fearsome war-horse. "I will deliver you!" he cried and the people in the great hall responded, "Yes please!" and swooned before his oratory. For over an hour did Sir Ed declaim and verily he did say "One Nation" some six and forty times. (That's one every 84 seconds if you're interested. Ed) (<~~ That's Ed for Editor, obv. <~~ And that's 'obv' for obviously... obv)

And the people asked, "How will you deliver us, oh Sir Ed?" yet Ed told them not, except that he said they would rebuild it together. "Hmmm," said the people, "Rebuilding? That sounds a lot like work and we already work all the fucking time and we don't like it very much." There was shuffling of feet and a wringing of hands in the hall and a small voice rang out, "Haven't you got any NEW ideas?"

"Leave it with me!" proclaimed brave Sir Ed as he steadied his steed, "I'll be back in a minute." And with that, Sir Ed left the gathering and rode off into the setting sun.

And he was never heard of, ever again.

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