The Ex Factor

Day Two of the Has-Beens Ball from the Locarno, Manchester and predictably it's been a long, fruitless slog as we enter day two of the audition rounds. The prize is to present a credible alternative to an electorate wise to the manipulations of the talent show format.

Hello love, what's your name and where are you from?

Me name's Maria Eagle and I've come over from Liverpool an' Ah really really want this Cilla, it's my dream, it's my life and Ah'm gunna give yers an 'undred-an'-ten-percent and a lorra lorra...

*klaxon* Surprise surprise, my name's not Cilla! Now, what are you going to do for us today?

Well, Cilla, I'm going to explain how we can predistribute bus fares and...

*klaxon* Heard it. Next!

My name's Eddie Izzard... or is it? No.... or isn't it? Hmm, yes... or do I mean no? Spider gravy... True story...

*klaxon* Next!

What's your na...?

My name's Ed and I'm here for a punch up! I've got four billion quid and I'm going to make houses and anybody saying my figures don't add up is gonna get it, right? I know some Nazis, see... and if you want a copy of my speech, that'll be two quid, right? Yeah? That's cheap you know. In fact they're selling too cheaply, too quickly and it's time for Plan B,. Did I say I know some Nazis? I've got a uniform and everything - it's a laugh! Shoot my fox! Wanna hear me play the piano?

*scuffle backstage*

Fight, you say? You want a fight?

What's your name, darling?

Don't you darling me you lily-livered, class traitor, your arse-licking... arse-licking... licking... lickspittle! I'm Red Len and me and Mark'll take on the lot of youse!

(Len is bundled away, still ranting, by security)

Who's up next then?

*a strangled, adenoidal warble heralds a cartoon-like character*

Goodness, gracious, guys and gals! My name's Ed Miliband. Now then, now then, jingle-jangle jewellery, jewellery  jewellery... I want to fix it for all the young people, as it 'appens.

*stunned silence*

'Ow's about that,then!

I can't wait for the next show.