Wednesday 17 October 2012

There be Monsters!

The end times are upon us. Was it not writ by the prophets that great tribulations would beset us at the end of days? Today it is my sad duty to confirm that, yea, those times are surely nigh. Okay, so the seas haven’t turned black, nor are there earthquakes. And now I think about it, no two-horned monsters have yet risen from the deep but, mark my words, dark days are ahead for surely this is a sign, a great plague of winged, blood-sucking beasts.

For the few of you not tracking my daily walk on this wild side we call Earth (and if not, why not?) I should mention I am in Turkey. And I am being eaten alive by bloody mosquitoes. It is no exaggeration to tell you I must have lost three pints of the red stuff last night. (Checks dictionary definition of ‘exaggeration’) Just like the parasitic EU (little bit of politics, there) the bastards are intent on sucking me dry and irritating the hell out of us all.

The similarities don’t end there. Just like the EU there are differing opinions on whether or not mosquitoes are a simple fact of life or an eradicable nuisance:

To the LibDems the mosquitoes would simply not be a problem. Far from it in fact, if it weren’t for the mozzies, there would be no work for manufacturers of proprietary anti-sting, anti-inflammatory preparations and thousands would lose their jobs. Save the mosquito, they’d say; befriend the mosquito.

The Tories would deny there was any issue with the stinging hordes. We need to be inside the swarm, they’d say, in order to control the swarm. Yes, some people are going to be stung, but it’s the price we pay to avoid wholesale blood-letting. Obviously, we need to make a few cuts in our control measures, but on the whole we’re better in than out.

Labour would then have no option but to insist that the government was cutting too far, too fast and that a Plan B was needed; a plan B that somehow didn’t appear any different in structure to Plan A yet sounded better if you shouted it loud enough and often enough. Good old Labour – never let the hard facts get in the way of an emotive plea.

But the little bastards breed, you know. And once you’ve let a few in, nature takes its course and before you know it, we’re overrun with the damned things. Sucking a bit of blood here, a bit of blood there, before long we’re out of blood and dried-out up husks of despair roam the land, victims of the three parties’ appeasement measures.

But what’s this I see? The can clearly declares its intention, “OFF” it says and it promises relief from the constant drop-by-drop invasion of the blood snatchers. Another, larger spray can of a more menacing design also offers a direct onslaught on the beasts themselves. Amusingly, as is so often the way with foreign-named products, it is labelled “FUK” This is the UKIP approach to the mosquito problem.

With the right will and the combined power of FUK and OFF we can be rid of mosquitoes Europe forever.

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