Stop Thief!

There's been a fair bit of news these past few weeks. We've had paedos and press mobs and pandemonium at the barricades of the BBC. There have been resignations and accusations and allegations of racism in refereeing. We've had  a brand new Archbishop of cant and rubber bullets in the bull rings as Europe pursues its impossible, jackbooted dream.

Yes, some pretty terrible things have been going on, but forget Savile and Starr and Entwistle and Patten. Put aside fears for the future of France and Italy and Spain. Dixon of Dock Green has far bigger fish to fry, Rebus must face his biggest case yet and Morse must remorselessly face down an evil as great as ever seen in the groves of academe.

For a monster stalks the halls of Westminster. A rapacious phantom strikes, then fades into the shadows to bide its time and strike again. Such an audacious crime has rarely been seen outside the campuses of the bright young things. A disease which formerly only affected young people living in crowded, unhygienic ghettos, or lowly office workers crowded into cubicles, has spread its deadly tentacles into the very heart of government.

And the first of its victims spoke out yesterday. Shadow Minister Liz Kendall, MP for Leicester, wrote "Someone has stolen my lunch from this fridge." She went on to say, "I do not appreciate this and warn other people don’t leave anything in here unless you’re happy for it to go missing." In a sane and normal world the travesty would end there but no, the nightmare continues, for the wrongdoer is without shame or decency and replied, "I took it… AND I’D DO IT AGAIN!"

Oh. My. Fucking. Good. God. She is forty-one years old! She's a member of bloody Parliament Has she never seen The Thick Of It? She's the shadow Shadow Care Minister? CARE? There's a minister for care?  It's easy to see what she cares about; well I bloody well don't unless the culprit turns out to be Gordon Brown, leading a Phantom of the Opera existence in the secret places of the palace, living off scraps and feeding his soul from the despair of his party.

You never see them in the same room, do you?

The Daily Mail calls the note 'hilarious'. I think it's downright hysterical. Anyway, whoever would have dreamed there could be dishonesty in the Houses of parliament?