Wednesday 17 July 2013

Who’s in charge here?

It seems like a simple case of ownership. Do we own the government, or does government own us? Judging by the daily demands of the popular press the matter would appear to be settled; under the banners of social justice, equality and human rights the government must intervene to do something about, variously:

The noise, the neighbours, the neighbours’ annoying kids, annoying kids in general, attitudes and behaviour in society, the ASBO culture… and my annoying kids. Sticking with the subject of kids – cos, right, dey is da fyootcher, innit? -  the government must act to increase my fertility, so I can exercise my human right to breed without restraint, but simultaneously restrict the breeding rights of other people who are just not responsible enough to know when enough is enough. Fair enough?

We, the people demand, that the government take action to maximise our life chances, by improving education, welfare, health provision, transport and body morphology reassignment counselling. We further demand equality for all. If that means restricting the potential of those with greater ability, then so be it; if fairness is the key then it is only fair that nobody should succeed in such a way as to embarrass or shame the rest of us or belittle our mediocre achievements. There can be no higher national ambition than equality of self-esteem.

We cannot be expected to understand science. This is why the government must maintain fleets of advisors to tell us what to eat, how to exercise, how to stay clean and when and what to recycle. They must not deliver to us raw facts, based on which we are incapable of making a judgement – no they must do the judging for us. Low carbon, fossil-fuel-free, organic, synergistic, sustainable, biodegradable, poly-cotton, drip-dry, ecologically ethical lifestyles are words and phrases with no meaning for us because they all sound like hard work. You must make those decisions for us… because we are in charge.

We want wall-to-wall, end-to-end, piped-in, hyped-up joy; not this incomprehensible, responsibility bullshit. And none of your guilt trip shenanigans, neither – don’t go making us feel bad for needing to resort to drink and drugs and fat and sugar and pretty things we can’t afford in order to stave off the ennui and sheer futility of existence. Do our thinking for us because we can’t be bothered. After all, we are the masters here and the government is our servant, remember?

I think that’s a summary of where we are today, or at least it’s where the Labour Party’s most reliable full-life tariff voters reside – the “everything must be done for me” brigade. Of course, in order for something to be done and seen to be done, records must be kept. That’s why there is such a thing as a Sex Offenders Register; keep tabs on the buggers. No matter the severity of the transgression, if it’s indelibly recorded the system can be seen and proved to be working. And as the SOR has been so successful in absolutely removing for all time any reoccurrence of sexual offending, by logical extension we can introduce offence registers in other areas too.

For your security and protection the following permanent, publicly accessible records must be maintained: The Race Offenders Register, the Bigot Register, the Climate Change Deniers Register, the NHS Detractors Register… Speeders Register, Disabled Parking Violators Register, Eight Items or Fewer Transgressors and the Looked-at-me-in-a-Funny-Way List. Every transgression against the laws put in place for your safety and convenience must be filed and available under the Freedom of Information Act. No deed unpunished, no mistake unpaid for.

The system will set you free!

As the servant of the people the government must do all that for you; it is what they are there for. They will absolutely guarantee your health, wealth, security and happiness and all they ask in return is your freedom.


  1. Why do I feel compelled to do a Mel Gibson impression right now?

    1. Wot? Be a bible-toting, sexist, homophobe?

    2. I'm more prompted to do a Peter Finch-as-Howard Beale impression, long about now.