The secret diary of Owen Jones aged 29¾

The press have been most unkind to me in the last 24 hours. Ever since I outlined – for free – my revolutionary plan for a brilliant new telephone system. A system owned by the people, run by the people, for the benefit of the people and – and this is the really, really brilliant bit – all paid for by the government, which means it will cost the people nothing at all. I sometimes wonder if it is worth my while even trying to tell people about the visions I have, because all they ever do is laugh and correct my sums.

Well, I’ll show them. When I get the royalties for my superb new book, ‘The Vile,Nasty Bullies and How They are Very, Very Naughty’ - me being a brilliant writer and all - I will be able to laugh on the other side of their faces. And it will be the last laugh as well because he who laughs last took the longest to get the punchline of the mixed metaphor... in Spain. So there. Anyway, they can say what they like; if they don’t go for my phone idea, I have plenty of other revolutionary, New-Marxist winners such as:

Nationalise the railways, for a start. And the supermarkets while we’re about it. The sea could do with nationalising as well, then the fish stocks would return because under a caring socialist government the cruel sea would be an altogether nicer place to live. And don’t think my ideas stop there, because they jolly well don’t. I have lots and lots of new ways of looking at how things are run. We could nationalise all the jobs too. And in case you think the only idea I have is to nationalise everything, think again. I would also – and this is completely different from nationalisation, I’ll have you know – take all the banks into public ownership.

Once the people… who were so cruelly wronged by the evil bankers and their plot for world domination in collusion with the baby-eating Tory government (which utterly wrecked the whole world economy in 2008, just so they could get elected by the Zionist-Illuminati-Papal-Anglican-Ku-Klux-Klan - ZipaKlan - conspiracy two years later)… once the people are in charge of all the money you will see just what can be done to productivity in post-colonial, multi-friendly, multicultural, Soviet Europe. You mark my words – but not in the way my teachers mark my homework; all that red pen shows they are just jealous of my genius.

It isn’t easy being a modern man of vision, a New Messiah, what with Twitter and everything. But my ambitions don’t stop with making the United Kingdom into a socialist paradise on earth, for which I will be the recipient of much garment-rending gratitude and adoration. Oh no, I plan to follow Saint Tony the Martyr into the Middle East and do a bit of envoying in his eminent wake. After all, how hard can it be?

Holy Broken Britain, Batman!

With my brilliance (did I mention my new book?) I will start with solving the Gaza conflict. Honestly, all those career politicians beating about the bush and taking sides. I have applied my enormous brain to the problems and I have come up with a solution; a brilliant solution - a final solution, if you will. What Gaza needs is a good old bit of nationalising. Under nationalisation it is not possible to make war; everybody will be far too busy trying to make a living.