Fisc-full of Dollars

John McDonnell has been back pedalling overtime as he seeks to distance himself from things he may or may not have said when he was or was not reversing his decision regarding whether or not, or indeed maybe or not, to back or oppose or agree with or possibly disagree with George Osborne over something or nothing or just some... Oh piss, who knows what he wants? It’s embarrassing and given that everybody’s favourite burger clown appears to be using Owen Jones and Abby Tomlinson as advisors it’s a wonder he even knows what he wants.

So it falls, once again, to me to explain the unexplainable. As always I have engaged in deep and meticulous research, so I am now something of an expert. Here, in a rather voluminous nutty shell is how Corbyn’s Labour under John McDonnell plans to end austerity, balance the books, reinvigorate the economy, make everybody happy and bring equality and wondrousness to the world. Are you sitting comfortably? Then here’s a taste of Labour’s Fiascal Charter:

First, ban everything bad. Ban industry, pollution, global warming, war, famine and disease. Once these have been eradicated we will already be a happier, more fulfilled people and we will naturally want to work together for the common good, because that’s how people really are, isn’t it? The rich people will realise how greedy they have been and once Labours rent controls and price controls are made law we will soon see the true equilibrium of the economy re-established. Freed from the need to compete – there will be no point, once the government sets your wages – the urge to do better will healthily turn towards philanthropic missions and that evil Tory force - aspiration - will end almost overnight.

Farmers will be encouraged to let their cows roam unconfined by oppressive boundaries and dine on strawberries so that strawberry milk will be free at the point of use. Ending the disparity between expensive cash crops like fruit and mundane basics like hay will make this economically viable as will government subsidies for the raising of unicorns and dragons and the planting of wind turbines. These new, metal money trees will generate enough power to run the whole grid and provide a healthy income as we sell the surplus to Europe. What if the wind doesn’t blow, you ask? Our advisors have been instructed to forecast favourable and constant winds for the next fifty years, so this is a matter which does not arise; we can begin the closing down of all fossil fuel plant immediately.

A happy British captain of industry spreading the wealth.

For those who say Labour does not have an economic plan, I have given above a mere hint at the range of marvellous policies we will enact in the new, kinder, caring economy. And to kick start the process, David ‘Danny’ Blanchflower has been appointed to head a review of the role of the Bank of England, not as a tool of subjugation of the poor but as a resource for all. The printing of our new wealth will commence the day after our election victory. During the coalition years Danny predicted that following George Osborne’s plans we would soon hit five million unemployed. By following Danny’s advice we will easily beat that target!