Friday, 2 October 2015

Shopping Channel

I was sort of nonplussed to witness a discussion on Twitter regarding the practices of the big supermarkets and pricing. How unfair, they agreed, that they quite deliberately use different package sizes and different pricing labels to con the unwary into paying more than they need to, or believing they have found a bulk purchase bargain when in fact the smaller size is better value. We all know it goes on, we all find it frustrating but ultimately the prices and weights and measures are all there on display and it is buyer beware.

At least the supermarkets openly display their prices which is not always the case for many smaller businesses who rely on subterfuge to get you to pay over the odds. On the whole supermarket prices are okay, you can browse as long as you like and you are not under any pressure to buy what you don’t want or can’t afford. But this wasn’t good enough, they said; the government must do something to make these bad boys conform to some system of uniform presentation. It always amazes and saddens me, how some people need others to continually be looking out for them.

But on that subject a word of warning for anybody out there who regularly visits B & Q stores in and around Kent.  Last month I became a victim of a rather clever scam while innocently setting out to buy shelving. And simply popping out to procure hinges, nails, screws, nuts and bolts and the like has turned into quite a traumatic experience. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you! I feel it is my public duty to warn you; here’s how the scam works.

Two seriously good-looking women in their early thirties come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They offer to clean your car ‘for charity’ so naturally you agree, but this is where it gets sinister. These girls are very scantily clad and if I’m honest they are not even very good at cleaning cars, but they throw themselves energetically into the business, pouting and posing as they squeeze foam from big, soft sponges. It’s hypnotic; their tee-shirts are soon soaking wet and when they start stretching across your windscreen it is simply impossible not to look.

My bulging tool belt...

When you thank them and make to pay they decline your offer of money and ask you instead for a ride to another B&Q or possibly a Wickes or a Homebase, never very far away, so you will feel churlish to turn them down. They hop in the back seat and once you pull out in the traffic they start kissing, right there in your rear-view mirror. As if that wasn’t distracting enough they get you to pull over in a quiet spot, then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet. It is outrageous.

I had my wallet stolen on September 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, again on the 20th, and then again on the 24th. Also twice on the 27th, three times just yesterday and very likely again this upcoming weekend. So, please be careful next time you innocently go out to buy some tacks.


  1. Dammit! You really had me panting then!

  2. Marvellous, as always, Batters. It isn't even that I've not heard them before, but, as it was with Mike Carson, 'It's the way you tell 'em!'

    Thanks -- have a great weekend -- and by the way, you can get good cheap wallets on eBay ;) !