Woke

The one constant about the eternally right-on is how very right they are. Listening to LBC as I woke up yesterday you would think the anti-Trump protesters knew everything. And they occupy the moral high ground as effortlessly as a balloon filled with a natural element which is lighter-than-air, but increasingly rare. But I bet they don’t know that 75% of the world’s helium is produced in the USA; the future of the protest blimp may be uncertain.

Just as well, then, that other certainties still exist. As I listened I learned; my world view was enriched by the absolute fact that the marchers represented the true beliefs of literally everybody in the UK. I always said that whatever else he might be, Trump was going to be the funniest US President ever. Well, I was wrong about that, too because – and I thank the protesters for cluing me up to this – Trump is pure evil and wants to control and eventually destroy the planet.

Phew, thank god I have become ‘woke’ in the nick of time. See, I could never bring myself to actually like the guy. I always knew he was a ludicrous, bombastic bully with a penchant for enjoying the fruits of his wealth (how dare he?) and unafraid to exploit others for his own gain. But I never realised how minor a view that was. Yes, he won a presidential election, but literally nobody voted for him. And he does put America first (how dare he?) which literally nobody in America wants.

Thanks to the lovely rainbow coalition of the eternally offended, however, I have learned much about why none of this really bothered me until yesterday. The LBC respondents educated me. Turns out, as a natural capitalist, I had been indoctrinated to believe that we should profit from our own endeavours, dutifully pay our taxes and use the welfare and health system that the Conservative Party have so-far protected from voracious socialism to help as many of the less privileged lead as worthwhile a life as practically possible.

But no; now, with my eyes open I realise that I was a hate-filled, misogynistic, racist homophobe who does not care one jot for those who suffer. And in not protesting Trump I must therefore be complicit in everything he does. Apparently, I want to see the homeless even more abject, the sick in body bags and the disabled put into work camps – I think that’s the gist of their thesis.

Worship your master!

Well, I thank them for their insight. Until now I just thought I was a bloke who went out to work, paid his taxes, spent what was left how I wished and generally got on with my own business. My interest in current affairs, I now realise, was not my own, but a carefully implanted, lizard brain impulse to despise the disadvantaged and assist in their marginalisation. Now I know that the only path to true enlightenment is to turn away from all that wishy-washy, centre-right stuff and embrace the one true emotion that can unite us all in hope... Hate.