Tuesday 7 May 2024

Murder Mystery

The cadaver lay prone, face down in a ditch, with its trousers around its ankles and its now swollen buttocks displayed for all to see. The boys egged each other on to get closer, and did so until one of them poked the left cheek with a stick torn from a nearby hazel tree. A sudden fart erupted from the exposed anus, the flabby flesh warbling with the gust. The boys ran away and hid behind the nearest vegetation, panting and laughing as they recovered.

“I suppose we should call the police,” said the older child. But neither of them moved, wondering if there was more sport to be had. Deciding that there probably wasn’t – making a corpse break wind was almost certainly as funny as it got – they turned away from the hedgerow and set out for home. It was getting late anyway and they would be missed if they didn’t make it home before dark.

Their discussion ranged far and wide, but kept returning to the scene. If only their parents had let them have smartphones, they could have made a viral TikTok. I mean, who wouldn’t find a fat, windy, dead arsehole hilarious? Should they tell their parents at all? Maybe they could get their TikTok moment of fame if they kept quiet and returned the next day with a friend who had an iPhone and take it from there. Surely it would keep another day.

The next day the body was still there, still bloated and still face down, although the expanded gases had caused it to inflate unevenly and overturn slightly so instead of its face being planted wholly in the mud, it looked more like it was turning a cheek. Maybe this was it turning the ‘other’ cheek, forgiving its slayer and seeking Christian redemption? They poked a buttock with a stick but this time, instead of a fruity fart, a trickle of yellowish fluid ran down the crack of its buttocks to float on the mud of the ditch.

The smell! That this was a very dead individual was affirmed by the stench in their nostrils. They all retreated to a safe olfactory distance and considered their next move. Revival was an option long since gone and none of them fancied a closer look, to see if they recognised the face. But it was clear that this was an unloved body. Nobody here to care for it, there were no marks of a physical struggle. The simple truth was that whoever it was he had been involved in sex-play, a used condom was discarded nearby. They made the call and waited.

The wording on the headstone

The police arrived and cordoned off the area, and paramedics and forensics staff began their deliberations. The clothes were searched, and no means of identification was found on the body which just lay there, lifeless and disgraced. But formal ID was not necessary. Back at the station the chief investigation officer summed up the open and shut case. “Fucked in the arse, abandoned for dead, nobody to speak up for it,” he said, “there is no doubt that this is all that remains of the Tory Party.”

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