BODMAS

It don't add up! Welcome to Tesco academy where 50% off means 5% on! It's a topsy-turvy world all right! Polls, for one. Polls - even exit polls - mean sweet FA. If you're a Tory at heart but you voted UKIP at Eastleigh yesterday you may be ashamed to admit you sincerely wish the best for your country. Similarly, if you voted Libdem you're hardly likely to admit you haven't a bone in your back as you slither toward the school hall doors.

Nobody in their right mind could possibly admit voting for the party who spent thirteen years and ALL of our money creating a haven for Islamic terrorists and establishing thought crime as a real and present risk for anybody un-lobotomised and suckling from the state teat. Admitting to voting Labour is like admitting to liking Harriet Harman and surely NOBODY is that deranged. Oh - some 4088 people people appear to be in  urgent need of medical attention. May I suggest trepanning?

Lucky to retain their seat, the loss of 14% of the Libdem's vote is being hailed as 'a great night' as all sides except UKIP claim losses as victory of a sort. It reminds me of my students when I asked them to calculate 3 + 2 x 2. They saw their failure to get it right not as a being incorrect as such, just as being different - a bit like our general treatment of failure. Go on, do the sums... If you got 10 you're wrong. The answer is 7 and if I have to tell you why there is already no hope for you... you may as well vote Labour because your maths is all Balls.

It's all down to the order of precedence. If you are now wearing a blank stare you're mirroring the reaction I got from a mixed class of electricians yesterday upon realising that Ohm's Law was a step too far. Back up three days: "You mean you didn't know there was a correct sequence for your calculations?" Oh. My. Fucking. Good. God. I have wasted three days teaching all the shades of green to the colour-blind - no wonder they all saw only red.

Anyway, the Limp Demics win at Eastleigh only demonstrates that despite the abject failure of 'progressive' polices in education, work, infrastructure, public finances and the NHS, the turkeys will still vote for Christmas. Fuck the country, they say, sod society; give me my benefits - leading me to redefine the order of precedence as follows: Bugger, Only Dependent Mendicants Applaud Socialism.

Mind you, I'm looking forward to seeing all sides declaring 'historic'results in one way or another. Yes,comrades, the chocolate ration will increase for all and we have reserves of bullshit to last us a lifetime.