The Last UK Budget... Ever

It's budget day so I'm going to keep this short. The Chancellor leaked to me the contents of his desperate plans to keep his job save the country and I feel that despite Hugh Grant's storm troops it is my duty to divulge them to you. Here goes.

We're broke; deal with it.

That's pretty much it.

Oh, you want detail? You sure you can handle it? Okay then, I'll give you a few highlights.

For years you whining, inadequate leeches have suckled at the teat of our glorious, benevolent government as it has slaved away tirelessly on your behalf. No more. That's it. They've had enough. So this is how it's going to be.

Families:
Despite every benevolent measure of past decades you bastards continue to have families free, gratis and for nothing, expecting the state to care and to pick up the tab. No more. Child Benefit is being abolished - it's long overdue - from now on you will need an annual paid licence for your progeny, working on a sliding scale. £5k per year for the first child, £10k per year for the second and if you want a third you will have to adopt one of them 'Asylums' at your own expense.

Health:
None of you can decide how to pay for the NHS so, fuck it. It's abolished. You brought this on yourself. I hope you're all happy now. I'd stock up on paracetemol if I were you.

Defence:
What's the point? I mean, really? We're doing what the old USSR did and letting the troops take their armaments home with them in lieu of pay. We can see no downsides to that -see how well some of those fellas did?

Transport:
All infrastructure projects are to be cancelled forthwith. We're all in Europe now, so if it's good enough for Bulgaria it's good enough for everybody. Besides, donkeys make both good pack animals and a delicious, nutritious stew.

Tax and Welfare:
Well, you won't believe the amount of shit we get over this. One lot moaning about welfare, another lot moaning about tax. So we tried to put all of you on both, but some of you wouldn't work and some of you wouldn't pay the tax, so fuck the lot of you. From April the government will neither levy tax nor distribute benefits. No income tax, no VAT, no Housing, no DLA, no JSA... Sort it out between yourselves. We can't see how you could do it any worse.

Banking:
See Cyprus

And that's about it. The borders are open, the planet is fucked, we're running out of everything... it's every man for himself.

Citizens celebrating with a glorious firework display

(The budget announcement will be broadcast from Bermuda.)