The Fabulous Bilderberg Boys

Conspiracy, world domination, power, power and power. Whatever the truth about the first two conjectures it can’t be denied that the Bilderberg Group possess in spades the power to change the world. It’s not just what you know or who you know that gets things done, but who and what you own. And as most of the world is theirs or their associates to dispose of as they wish it is hardly surprising that they almost certainly cooperate with each other, or take cues from one another to influence affairs to their advantage.

It’s been suggested in the past that they have fixed oil prices, facilitated the arrogant centralising of power in Europe to the detriment of many of its formerly independent members and installed police states throughout the world. It has been accused of starting the war in what was once Yugoslavia, of being a liberal Zionist plot to overthrow societal norms and that its members are almost certainly behind the sudden urgency to push through single sex marriage. Oh yes, they say, we have seen their long lizard tongues and their green scaly skin, such discourse often punctuated with a knowing wink and a tap on the nose.

Whatever the truth and whatever you suppose about them this is just the global version of the adults retiring in private to discuss grown-up matters out of earshot of the kiddies.  Ah, but isn’t that the nub of the thing? The annoying privacy, the behind-closed-doors-ness of it all. Why won’t they reveal everything to the press? What have they to hide, cry the excluded who then, in the absence of any reply, go on to concoct all manner of sinister intent; the more lurid and outlandish, the better?

Those who aren’t invited are stamping their feet in envious frustration but wait a moment, if they wanted to organise the world in secret wouldn’t they do better to meet, you know, in actual secret? I am absolutely sure that if you want to influence, say, British energy policy the best way to go about it would be to employ, I dunno, a senior politician with fingers in the green technologies pie to lobby for you,  rather than to risk all the bad press associated with a mysterious annual meeting.

Oh yes, the dirty business they can do in the open simply because they already have the power and influence accredited to them. As for keeping things hush-hush, if I run British Petroleum, for instance and I want to consider a merger with Shell, why would I open discussions about that to the whole of the greedy Bilderberg bunch, who will only have their own bloody opinions about it? I’d just go to Shell and chat to them. In secret.

So why the meeting, which so enrages the theorists? What is it that can’t be done either in the open or in the closet without getting together so many busy people in one place at a highly publicised and heavily protected venue. Just what IS the guilty secret of Bilderberg? Well, I’ll tell you. The hoi polloi have Reading and V. The better connected can get tickets to Glastonbury. But only the fabulous Bilderberg boys can get into Ken Clarke’s exclusive annual music festival.

Fabulous Ken & the Bilderberg Boys

And that, as they say, is Jazz! Now, do the hands.