Thursday, 19 December 2013
Well hello girls and boys and how are we today?
You’ll have to do better than that! I can’t hear you!
That’s better. Now, My name is Iain Duncan Smith, but you can call me Wishee-Washee – I’ve been called worse. I work all day here at Widow Twanky’s laundry, where we clean up all the money and make it disappear. What’s that you say, boys and girls? Widow Twanky’s a man? Oh no he isn’t! [Stage whisper] Actually he is – it’s George Osborne in drag! Anyway, it’s my job to keep you all up to date with what’s happening. So, the story so far:
Aladdin Balls has been to the Forty Thieves’ Cave to get an old lamp for the evil sorcerer Big Len McCluskey and his monkey, Miliband. But he escaped from the sorcerer and since then he’s been up all night rubbing at his lamp like crazy… he said he had to rub it just the right way, until something came out the end. But all he got was a big poof…
[FX: Green thunderflash]
“Ooh, hello! I am Chris Bryant, the genie of the lamp! My wish is your command.”
GENIE: I can give you three wishes. Be careful what you ask for.
ALADDIN: For my first wish, Genie, I wish to be Grade 8 on the piano!
GENIE: You sure? You didn’t want to wish for, you know, peace and prosperity and goodwill to all mankind, or something like that?
ALADDIN: Sod them – they won’t be able to laugh at me when I’m Grade 8! And then I will be able to marry Emperor Cameron’s beautiful daughter…
GENIE: She’s nine, you idiot. And besides, what about Yvette?
ALADDIN: Oh, I wish that wasn’t a problem.
GENIE: As you command, oh Master!
The Genie claps his hands. [FX: Blackout and lightning flash] When the lights come up they are standing in the House of Commons. A piano stands on the floor of the house, and as Aladdin approaches it the shouting mob calms down. He plays a virtuoso piece and finishes to rousing applause, apart from Yvette Cooper who scowls from her seat.
ALADDIN: Thank you thank you and on this last day in the house may I wish you all a very merry Christmas! Thank you and goodnight! I love you all!
He gets a standing ovation which slowly fades as the lights dim. The curtain falls to leave Aladdin Balls standing front of stage holding the lamp. He rubs it and the genie appears in a much less impressive flash.
ALADDIN: Where did you go?
GENIE: I’m done here.
ALADDIN: But you said I had three wishes?
GENIE: Yep, you’ve had ‘em. You had Piano, Yvette and Merry Christmas.
ALADDIN: Woah, I thought I’d only used one!
GENIE: It’s a bugger, isn’t it? It’s a bit like what you want to do with the bankers’ bonus tax when you come to think of it. You see, handling a magic lamp is a bit like handling the economy. You can’t always do what you want… Except for a minute there you actually could have done. But you blew it.
ALADDIN: [Sarcastically] Yeah? Just what could I have done? There are millions of starving people relying on food banks. The Tories want to freeze old people to death and evict the disabled to die in the streets. They are dismantling our armed forces and selling off the NHS and surrendering our power supplies to the French. So tell me, oh mighty genie, if you’re so clever, how could I have fixed all that with three measly wishes?
GENIE: Oh, you know, I thought you’d have at least wished for a magic money tree…