Wednesday, 4 December 2013

Bonkers Broadcasting Corporation

Needs must when the devil drives, as they say and times is hard. I’ve decided my not inconsiderable talents are wasted in the private sector so I might chance my arm and put in my CV for this job at the BBC.

Job Introduction

“BBC Television aims to be the most creative broadcast organisation in the world, bringing our audiences distinctive and high quality content in current affairs, factual, comedy, drama, film, entertainment and sport through our four television channels and multi-media services.
We are currently recruiting for an inspiring, persuasive and passionate Diversity Lead to play a leading role in delivering our ambition to become a pioneering industry leader on diversity, inclusion and equality.”

What do you think? Right up my street, yes? I may have ‘edited’ the following just a tiny wee bit, in order to make the language more accessible and the true purpose of role itself a little clearer:

Role Responsibility

Reporting directly to Big Brother Central, you will have an undercover role responsible for driving the BBC’s agenda, leading attitude change and inspiring other senior leaders to perform their patriotic duty, embrace the project and build it into everything they do.

You will work closely with the Talent Network and BBC Academy to ensure our diversity projects such as My Dear Ol’ Mammy Yoot, The Stephen Lawrence Trust & Anyone-but-English Apprenticeships deliver successful outcomes for Big Brother. Working with colleagues you will drive the longer term success of a range of activities focused on defeating the oppressive white influences of our shameful history.

Working with the senior leadership team and TV Change team, you will lead the glorious revolution towards a culture of regular review of delivery against politically corrected audience objectives, both at ethnic and ideological level. You will also work with insight teams to alter perceptions of the needs of audiences which make up minuscule percentages of our population, developing our diversity plan to decrease our market penetration and relevance to insignificant.

The Ideal Candidate

You will be a passionate advocate for multicultural mediocrity on all platforms with the enthusiasm, energy and commitment to ensure equality and diversity creates programmes unpalatable to a traditional British audience.

Outstanding stakeholder, change leadership and soft brainwashing skills are a pre-requisite and you will have the ability to engage senior leaders in the war against history and engender a passion for diversity ahead of quality in these leaders.

A politically motivated editorial understanding is essential along with extensive practical knowledge and experience of how diversity can be rubbed in the noses of the right within the TV production environment.

You will be unnaturally enthusiastic when addressing sensitive diversity issues and will be fluent in the use of synergistic, atavistic, automatic, systematic and hydromatic strategies to drive the diversity agenda forward like greased lightning.

Finally, you will possess the communication skills to freely engage in the clandestine promulgation of meaningless, aphoristic and trite sound bites gleaned freely and irrelevantly from the very worst of current, in-vogue, leading edge management claptrap… going forward.

Coming soon - 1066, the True Story

Oh yes. Get ready for the all-inclusive new Winterlude extravaganza, to be screened next May in a culturally sensitive green monotone to celebrate the 1927 liberation of Gumbogia: “It’s a Wonderful, Multicultural, Bongo-Bongo-Land Life!”

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