Wednesday, 18 December 2013

Oh Carol!

The Christmas Carol Service season is upon us, where pressed men will gather desultorily in shambling groups to mumble their way through poorly scanning, quasi-religious, lowbrow verses written mostly by the Victorians and bearing little relevance to our times. It's fair enough for the kids, but the tired old carol format is long overdue for revision. So I've made a start for you - you all know the tune:

Oh Little Scrote of Bethnal Green

Oh little scrote of Bethnal Green
We hear thee lie and lie!
While others work you stay asleep,
And work passes you by.
Yet late at night you shi-i-i-i-neth
And talk a load of shite.
We paid your dole for all these years
And still you call us tight.

For Christ is born of Mary,
And Liam and Kaylee, gov.
And Kyle and Jace are off their face,
So wot is not to love?
O-oh, be-ne-fits forever
Assist the yearly birth.
And praises sing to Mervyn King
For printing dosh on earth.

How silently how stealthily
The Christmas gifts are thieved.
Cos Kev is light upon his Nikes
Of presents you’re bereaved.
No ear may hear His coming
But you know he will win.
Where Reebok soles mount window sills,
The burglar enters in.

Oh little scrote of Bethnal Green
Go get a job we pray.
Wash out your sins and empty bins
Or anything for pay.
We hear the Christmas angels
And soon we catch their smell.
They’re all disguised as Santas now
Oh Lord, oh bloody hell!

(Feel free to add your own verses in the comments!)


  1. Oh little scrote of Bethnal Green, your christmas dole's come early, forget the grub, straight down the pub and drink til the room goes whirly, and later on when the dosh has gone and the fridge is bare of grub, we'll take a trip to the old food bank and fill a trolly up