Oh Carol!

The Christmas Carol Service season is upon us, where pressed men will gather desultorily in shambling groups to mumble their way through poorly scanning, quasi-religious, lowbrow verses written mostly by the Victorians and bearing little relevance to our times. It's fair enough for the kids, but the tired old carol format is long overdue for revision. So I've made a start for you - you all know the tune:

Oh Little Scrote of Bethnal Green

Oh little scrote of Bethnal Green

We hear thee lie and lie!

While others work you stay asleep,

And work passes you by.

Yet late at night you shi-i-i-i-neth

And talk a load of shite.

We paid your dole for all these years

And still you call us tight.

For Christ is born of Mary,

And Liam and Kaylee, gov.

And Kyle and Jace are off their face,

So wot is not to love?

O-oh, be-ne-fits forever

Assist the yearly birth.

And praises sing to Mervyn King

For printing dosh on earth.

How silently how stealthily

The Christmas gifts are thieved.

Cos Kev is light upon his Nikes

Of presents you’re bereaved.

No ear may hear His coming

But you know he will win.

Where Reebok soles mount window sills,

The burglar enters in.

Oh little scrote of Bethnal Green

Go get a job we pray.

Wash out your sins and empty bins

Or anything for pay.

We hear the Christmas angels

And soon we catch their smell.

They’re all disguised as Santas now

Oh Lord, oh bloody hell!

(Feel free to add your own verses in the comments!)