Tuesday, 16 May 2017


Well, I’ve just about had enough of all this he-did, she-said, they-would, we-didn’t general electoral malarkey. Confirmation bias mixed with blood-curdling tales of the atrocities committed on both sides of the gulf of party politics makes for an unhappy propaganda cocktail. But how, as we sift through the mountain of ‘facts’, conveniently adapted memories, ‘accurately’ recalled accounts of closed-door meetings from decades ago and simple opportunistic hearsay, do we know that any of it is true?

Maybe we should only vote based on what we have directly experienced and know to be real. But what, then, of those staged muggings after which bystanders manage to give wildly varying accounts of what they just witnessed? The unreliability of eye witness testimony is a recognised phenomenon and is thought to be responsible for a significant number of wrongful convictions. If we can’t even rely on the evidence of our own eyes, is it any wonder that fallible memory, overlaid with folklore and peer pressure keeps the political divide wide open?  

We need to start again, from scratch, so let me build you a utopia based on what you seem to be telling me you want. It’s clear that you hate rich people, so we will discourage them from living here by ultra-punitive taxation. Hopefully, they will get the message that their filthy privilege isn’t wanted and they will take their divisive spending power to somewhere more suitable. Thus freed from envy, we will make far more friendly bedfellows and it will be easier to set a living wage; a wage that everybody will receive, regardless of circumstance, thus ending the stigma of unemployment overnight.

This wage will be inextricably linked to prices; as prices rise, so will the wage. Forecasts suggest we could be into double digit wage rises within months. This will be a tremendous boost to the economy and as everything will be provided by the state all the proceeds will flow back to government, making it a simple matter to double the NHS budget every few years. Likewise with education, energy and food, it is clear that allowing producers to earn profits from these necessities encourages the pursuit and hoarding of wealth, so in future all will be enshrined as human rights and provided via central planning; everybody will get what we decide they deserve.

And don’t imagine we take social justice lightly. We have been watching you closely - very closely – and it is apparent that the thing you dislike the most is difference. Psychologists tell us this is wired into the human psyche and it will be impossible to educate you to not recognise disparity. So when we are in power we will legislate to encourage uniformity by force of law. For your benefit, so that you don’t have to suffer the burden that choice brings, we will decide and then enforce conformity of appearance, ability and opinion; your lives will all become immeasurably more simple and satisfying.

The glorious uniformity of the future...

And finally, as you have also shown such a disdain for the political process, with campaigns bringing out the worst in vituperation and downright lies it is clear to us that partisan politics, especially at election time is a source of much unhappiness. We want you to be happy, by law, so on taking office we will immediately abolish all other ideological affiliations rendering future contests for power both unnecessary and no longer possible. You know it makes sense.


  1. 'The unreliability of eye witness testimony is a recognised phenomenon'

    Years -- decades -- ago I saw a cartoon in Mad magazine in which a character bounds up to some incident, saying "I saw it all! What happened?"

    Made me laugh but it turned out to be quite right. Except now I do wonder if I made the memory up and was reading tractor production figures in The Guardian at the time. You may of course think I am telling you this and anyway the whole internet is a figment of our collective imagination. Just sayin'

  2. Will you be imposing a Procrustean solution to the problem of unequal height? :-)


    1. Got to be worth a try eh?

    2. No, the gravitational solution. We're all just tall enough to reach the ground.

  3. Batsby, you have described Venezuela to a tee.