Bully For You

My, wasn’t Papa Jeremy angry yesterday? It is all the fault of those evil Tories but, mark my words, The Dear Leader has all the answers. And he knows how to deliver them, properly punctuated by table thumping, pointing and clearly enunciating how Labour will reverse the cruel austerity of the last hundred years of Tory rule. Yes, comrades, the facts are with us.

During Tory austerity over a billion people have died, the world has heated up so far that giant lizards stalk the land and plague and pestilence are only kept at bay by the last few remaining front-line nurses of the NHS, who are bravely resisting all the filthy capitalist money being thrown at them by the Thatchers in greater quantities than ever before, diluting its polluting influence by siphoning it off to management.

What we need, my dear fellow revolutionaries, is to use the enemy’s tactics against the enemy itself. Stamping on babies’ heads, literally taking food from the mouths of the homeless and labelling people from other lands as foreigners is hideous Toryism, but we must not shrink from the fray. Our people – the most disadvantaged in society – must be protected from the horrors of capitalism and until everybody is equal we will not rest.

See that fat cat employer on 85,000 ugly capitalist pounds a year? That bastard who had the gall to re-mortgage his home to start a business and employ people on LESS THAN HE EARNS? We will tax him until he begs for mercy. See that ugly, towering tall person, the one with the temerity to look down on shorter people? We will cut him down to size. See that disgusting, obese, indolent, slobbering... oh, wait, that’s one of ours; as you were.

Those inventors? They didn’t invent that; we did. That captain of industry? He didn’t turn around that ailing business; we did. Rooney? Those goals were scored by us, the proletariat, society. The Thatchers say there is no such thing as society – or at least we keep telling you that they say that – but we know that society is ALL we have. And we must each give our all to society so that we can work together to defeat the monstrous influence of capitalism which has flooded the world with wealth and brought ruin to all who acquire it.

Turn away from the gold, brothers and sisters, eschew the trappings of success and instead revel in our enlightening equality. Under the glorious new socialist project led by the People’s Revolutionary Action Task-force for Society (P.R.A.T.S) – a whole bunch of them – we will educate and mould all individuals until they blend indistinguishably from one another into one unified, obedient mass.

Glorious Socialism!

We are not afraid of the challenge ahead – we will use all means necessary to bring about harmonious conformity. There will be no dissent, no upraised voices; enemies of the state will be dealt with swiftly and finally. This time, socialism will work... if it is the last thing you do. What’s that? Well, of course the leader is different; he genuinely is more equal than the rest of us. Now, shut up and sing The Red Flag.