Tuesday 3 April 2012

I Spy. With your little eye.

A good week to bury bad news? The government seems to have employed a pack of press hounds intent on bringing every last buried bone back to the surface. The rotting flesh and dripping marrow is making a maggoty mess across front pages, web pages and the red faces of ministers everywhere. Or maybe they've decided that a three-week shitstorm of unparalleled sheer bloody mindlessness is warranted. Either way, right now nothing the government announces plays well and the shit-eating grins of the gurning fools pushed, blinking, into the flashbulb showers is starting to make me feel more than a little nauseous.

The fake fuel crisis continues, now with the  potential to become a real emergency as forecourt stocks have run low. There's plenty of fuel, it's just that most of it is no longer stored at filling stations, but sitting idle on the driveways of people who normally get through three litres a month. I would guess more than a little is also put by, stored in convenient, throwing-sized bottles. Cocktail anybody? The knock-on effect may be people cancelling planned Easter trips, with consequent losses to the tourism industry. It never rains... what am I saying, this is the UK it always rains... except it hasn't and there's a drought looming.

The proposed reform of planning laws has been spun into yet another crony scandal, Ayatollah Galloway hasn't gone away and halfway across the world, Cristina Kirchner makes political capital out of claiming 'back' islands that have never actually belonged to Argentina at a time when our defence spending is at a hopeless and inadequate 2% of GDP and we appear to have a cabinet incapable of agreeing on anything whatosever, let alone going to yet another war.

Then there's this Internet spying business. The whole frigging point of spying - you head-the-balls - is to keep it a bloody secret! The first (and second) rule of spying club is "shut the fuck up!" Did none of you watch Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy? I did and I still don't know who the baddies were! On the other hand, telling us does promote an atmosphere of fear and paranoia; maybe that's the plan? Why not get the kids involved, too?

"Under the spreading chestnut tree, I sold you and you sold me."

Meanwhile the dire leadership of the Labour party continues to plod along, promising milk and honey and probably a load of virgins - any desperate thing for the Muslim vote now (thanks George) - all magicked up from the money trees they pillaged, then so assiduously chopped down over their thirteen-year spending spree. Thankfully, for the government, the Mr Ed show has as much chance of galvanising the electorate as Gary Glitter has of making a comeback on CBBC.

So, is the government truly incompetent? Surely not that incompetent? There is so much bad news right now that even this coalition couldn't be responsible, even by accident. By accident there'd still be some good stuff being trumpeted, wouldn't there? Where's the Law of Averages when you need it? Hell, there's not even been a goofy picture of Larry, the Downing Street cat, to raise a smile. Even Gavin Henson's been kicked off The Muppet Show!

So, if it's not an accident, it must be deliberate, in which case, why and why now? Are they taking advantage of the utter feebleness of the current opposition, getting all the crap out of the way in one go, leaving three years to build a comeback? I'm not at all convinced they're that devious, or maybe that's just what they want us to think? Nope, far too complicated. The only other thing I can think of is that behind the uproar, the clamour of pasty tax and petrolgate and "iSpy", something truly dreadful is being covered up.

Or, returning to a happier hypothesis, politicians really are as incompetent as we think they are. Oh, I hope so, because as far as I can see that's the best possible scenario. The only glimmer of light for Britain's future is that we're ruled by buffoons and sooner or later something good will happen and they'll be too stupid to fuck it up.

1 comment:

  1. "Or, returning to a happier hypothesis, politicians really are as incompetent as we think they are."

    Well, that's my preferred explanation.