Tell it how it is.

Remember the story of the emperor's new clothes?

Well, today, I'm the little boy in the crowd... and I'm this is what I gleaned from this morning's papers:

Newspapers

• Michele Obama does not possess even a single super power. Stop pretending otherwise.
• Being a 'celebrity' does not automatically make you beautiful and a bikini doesn't change any of that.
• Just because Demi Moore did it more 20 years ago not many people actually want to see women naked and pregnant. That is not art, it's a fetish.
• Nobody cares about anybody else's 'bikini body'. What is wrong with you?

Fat?

• You're fat because you're lazy and eat too much. It's been proved.
• No, you can't eat yourself thin.
• You're unattractive because you're fat and lazy.
• You are on your own because you're unattractive...
• ...because you're fat and lazy.
• Oh and it is probably all your own fault.

In other news

• The Euro is fucked.
• Michael Hesletine is NOT Tarzan and just because he's always been wrong it doesn't mean that all of a sudden he's going to be right.
• A Liberal Democrat is neither one thing nor another.
• You cannot get addicted to 'apps' It's not even a proper word.
• No public information project is ever cost effective. The only ones who take heed didn't need telling.

And some random thoughts to send you on your way:

• Stereotypes are almost always true.
• Drunken, shouting, swearing women with tits out and tattoos? You may as well tear up any qualifications you have - you completely blew it there, love.
• After a certain age you can no longer blame your parents.
• Pop psychology is mostly utter tosh

And you're so not 'worth it'