Monkey Business

When you’ve been married for years it’s difficult to keep the flames of romance burning and like many a man, Dave was at a loss as to what to do this Valentine’s Day. Over the years he’d deployed chocolates and flowers, intimate dining, even several weekend breaks to Paris and Rome. But times were hard and money was tight and he knew she’d frown on him spending any of the money in their joint account that she had already earmarked for new patio furniture. But as the big day approached he had an inspired thought.

One of their very first day-dates had been to the zoo where, as teenagers discovering each other, they had both realised they were meant to be together. They admired the plumage of the birds of paradise, laughed at the antics of the meerkats and nervously held hands in the dark of the reptile house. Maybe nostalgia would work in his favour? So Dave duly planned his surprise, requesting the day off work and booking a table for lunch, with champagne and roses. It had been a long time since they had done anything just for themselves.

On the morning of the fourteenth of February he woke Julie with breakfast in bed. She complained about the crumbs. He gave her a prettily arranged floral bouquet which she thought unimaginative and she positively sneered at the soppy verse in the card he’d chosen. Dave was undeterred; surely she’d melt when he took her on a journey down memory lane to where they had begun. He was excited as he cajoled her to get in the car, but she was getting exasperated because he wouldn’t tell her where they were going. As they pulled into the zoo car park she rolled her eyes.

But Dave was excited and his enthusiasm rubbed off just enough that she got out of the car, pulled her coat around her and reluctantly took his hand. It was a grey, drizzly day but still Dave insisted they visited all the old haunts. He pointed out the pair of cooing love birds as they strolled through the tropical aviary, laughed at the antics of the bedraggled meerkats as they peeked out of the top of their sodden burrow and he fought past her protest to cuddle her in the dark warmth amid the collection of exotic serpents. She wasn’t really into it so, with half an hour before their table was booked, Dave led her to the primates enclosure.

Chimpanzees chattered excitedly as they chased each other round their habitat. An old orang-utan sat forlornly in a tyre and over in the corner, in a large separate enclosure, a silverback gorilla sat away from his harem and absently groomed himself. As Dave and Julie drew near he caught their scent and looked up with interest. They approached the wire and the gorilla stood up and sniffed deliberately in their direction. He seemed to be looking at Julie. Dave suggested she walked a few paces off to the left. Sure enough the gorilla’s gaze followed her. He sniffed the air again, then placed a paw on his crotch.

“He’s getting excited, Julie!” said Dave “Go on, blow him a kiss!” The gorilla responded by beating his chest and again clutching at his crotch. The unmistakable sign of his arousal was grasped in a huge paw as the giant stared lustfully at Julie. Dave looked around, saw they were alone and whispered to Julie to lift her top. She giggled and did so. The gorilla stood up and pounded at his chest with both paws, his now fully erect penis in clear view. Julie was enjoying herself for the first time in the day and blew more kisses at the beast.

Who loves ya,baby?

Dave looked on as Julie got ever more flirtatious with the great king of the jungle and he in turn got ever more excited until suddenly the mighty gorilla hurled himself at the enclosure and before she could get away managed to thrust an enormous leathery paw right through the wires and between the bars. The gorilla clutched Julie tightly to him, his hot breath snorting in her ear. She looked to Dave for help, but he just smiled and held up his hands in a gesture of amused helplessness. “Don’t worry darling” he said, “Just do what you always do. Tell him you’ve got a headache.”