So December drags wearily on and in an effort to appease
our captives we pretend to identify with them and suffer the indignities of
ritual seasonal abuse: Charades, Monopoly, Pictionary… anything to keep grandma
and granddad from recounting war stories from the nineteen-seventies, when it
wasn’t racism unless you were Bernard Matthews, or something. The turkey is a
mere skeleton now and as the last of the chocolates are devoured for breakfast
it is time, once more, to look to the year ahead…
June
Labourism is declared an actual mental illness, falling under
the definition of self-harm. If further proof were needed the few remaining
Labour MPs, in a bizarre act of self-loathing, manage to force through legislation
to make voting for white candidates a criminal offence under the Equalities Act.
On the 15th June in a service to celebrate the impact of the Magna Carta, a replica of the great charter is re-signed… then ceremoniously
ripped in two. And on the 18th a bunch of French students are prevented
from entering Waterloo Station at sunset in memory of the battle where the
forces of Eurovision were defeated by Ray Davies
July
The Lion the Witch and Ramadan is declared. Nobody can
verify this because it is decided on a whim anyway but in a freak twist all of
Britain is involuntarily converted to Aslan. The cardboard cut-out of Ed
Miliband which was stolen around Christmas time turns out to have been run in
the general election as a dazed Beaker emerges from his bunker, having been
kidnapped and held captive by his own party during the campaign. Even side by
side at the press conference it is impossible to tell the difference.
August
The big summer blockbuster is The Fast and The Furious 37,
an entire movie in CGI including all the actors, whose names nobody knows. The
audience are comprised entirely of gamers who can’t tell the difference, but at
least it keeps them off the streets while their bedrooms are disinfected. The traditional
dance of denial is enacted over the latest schools exam performances; for the
first time the results are declared a draw.
September
The Queen becomes the longest serving monarch in a
thousand years. In an address to the nation she shocks everybody by raising a
single finger and declaring “Fuck you, Victoria!” then resigns saying “Fuck it,
and fuck you all!” but not before her last defiant act of dissolving parliament
and the monarchy forever and letting anarchy hold sway. In an imitation of her dear old Queen Mother - gawd bless 'er - she swigs gin and smiles beatifically on as Prince Philip symbolically punches
an Arab.
October
Kim Kardashian has surgery to install an inflatable arse
in a desperate bid to stay in the increasingly competitive limelight of
celebrity-for-no-known-reason. The procedure fails and she enters self-imposed exile. The Daily
Mail goes into a meltdown of denial as its online sidebar of shame shrinks to a
quarter of its normal volume. Out of respect for a world arse icon, not even Beyoncé
attempts to take her place.
November
Weather is declared the new black as records are set on practically
every day of the month. Weather forecasters become rock stars as Tomasz
Schafernaker fronts his band The Weather Girls. Gays and grandmas routinely
brave the storms to throw sodden undergarments at them performing on flooded stages
until, as quickly as it began, the sun comes out and pisses on everybody’s chips.
It's all in the balls, dear!
December
Christmas is cancelled everywhere and instead a month of
jihad is declared with the nativity being played by Joseph in a suicide vest
and Mary in a burka, burning Israeli flags and chanting death to the baby Jesus.
On December 25th England is finally declared a caliphate and officially
becomes a part of the Middle East as the ISS flag flies over the smouldering
ruins of Buckingham Palace.
Remember, you heard it here first.
Sir,
ReplyDeleteYou are aware I trust, that your predictions may well be 100% accurate?
In which case, I cannot wait!