Sunday, 28 December 2014
Old Battsby's Almaniac - Part Two
So December drags wearily on and in an effort to appease our captives we pretend to identify with them and suffer the indignities of ritual seasonal abuse: Charades, Monopoly, Pictionary… anything to keep grandma and granddad from recounting war stories from the nineteen-seventies, when it wasn’t racism unless you were Bernard Matthews, or something. The turkey is a mere skeleton now and as the last of the chocolates are devoured for breakfast it is time, once more, to look to the year ahead…
Labourism is declared an actual mental illness, falling under the definition of self-harm. If further proof were needed the few remaining Labour MPs, in a bizarre act of self-loathing, manage to force through legislation to make voting for white candidates a criminal offence under the Equalities Act. On the 15th June in a service to celebrate the impact of the Magna Carta, a replica of the great charter is re-signed… then ceremoniously ripped in two. And on the 18th a bunch of French students are prevented from entering Waterloo Station at sunset in memory of the battle where the forces of Eurovision were defeated by Ray Davies
The Lion the Witch and Ramadan is declared. Nobody can verify this because it is decided on a whim anyway but in a freak twist all of Britain is involuntarily converted to Aslan. The cardboard cut-out of Ed Miliband which was stolen around Christmas time turns out to have been run in the general election as a dazed Beaker emerges from his bunker, having been kidnapped and held captive by his own party during the campaign. Even side by side at the press conference it is impossible to tell the difference.
The big summer blockbuster is The Fast and The Furious 37, an entire movie in CGI including all the actors, whose names nobody knows. The audience are comprised entirely of gamers who can’t tell the difference, but at least it keeps them off the streets while their bedrooms are disinfected. The traditional dance of denial is enacted over the latest schools exam performances; for the first time the results are declared a draw.
The Queen becomes the longest serving monarch in a thousand years. In an address to the nation she shocks everybody by raising a single finger and declaring “Fuck you, Victoria!” then resigns saying “Fuck it, and fuck you all!” but not before her last defiant act of dissolving parliament and the monarchy forever and letting anarchy hold sway. In an imitation of her dear old Queen Mother - gawd bless 'er - she swigs gin and smiles beatifically on as Prince Philip symbolically punches an Arab.
Kim Kardashian has surgery to install an inflatable arse in a desperate bid to stay in the increasingly competitive limelight of celebrity-for-no-known-reason. The procedure fails and she enters self-imposed exile. The Daily Mail goes into a meltdown of denial as its online sidebar of shame shrinks to a quarter of its normal volume. Out of respect for a world arse icon, not even Beyoncé attempts to take her place.
Weather is declared the new black as records are set on practically every day of the month. Weather forecasters become rock stars as Tomasz Schafernaker fronts his band The Weather Girls. Gays and grandmas routinely brave the storms to throw sodden undergarments at them performing on flooded stages until, as quickly as it began, the sun comes out and pisses on everybody’s chips.
It's all in the balls, dear!
Christmas is cancelled everywhere and instead a month of jihad is declared with the nativity being played by Joseph in a suicide vest and Mary in a burka, burning Israeli flags and chanting death to the baby Jesus. On December 25th England is finally declared a caliphate and officially becomes a part of the Middle East as the ISS flag flies over the smouldering ruins of Buckingham Palace.
Remember, you heard it here first.