Tuesday, 9 December 2014

We Wish You a Merry Chavmas!

On behalf of whinging socialists everywhere I bring you the Miserable Whiny Gits of the Season awards and top of the list in the Most Offended on Behalf of People Who Couldn’t Give a Fuck What You Think category is the bunch of morons who objected to the Clinton Cards’ ‘Santa Claus is a Chav’ card. The Independent does a lovely line in outrage by referring to the moderately amusing but instantly recognisable references as “offensive stereotypes “

Luckily, while real chavs may not understand the word stereotype – there’s another one, see – they do, invariably possess a sense of humour, albeit maybe a low-grade one. Essential to survival at the arse end of society is a thick skin and the kind of sensitivities displayed by the soft, pink offendotrons would be laughed out of town… except they’d have to walk as their cars would probably be up on bricks. Or on fire. (This stuff writes itself, you know.)

Not content with trying to avoid the mention of Christ in ‘Christ Mass’ and desperately displacing Joseph and the Virgin Mary with any number of minor animal characters in The Christmas Story (‘Nativity’ is almost certainly hurtful to somebody, somewhere, if you search hard enough.) for fear of offending any non-Christians, who in the main are not offended at all, these zealots would ban joy itself if they could. Voltaire is credited with saying “To learn who rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticise.” These days that would appear to be anybody… Anybody, except…

There is one group of citizens who, it seems, we are absolutely free to pillory and parody and vilify in the most ruthless way and give the lie to Voltaire’s proclamation. Far from being unable to criticise those who rule, it is practically compulsory. Who would be a politician these days?

So, safe in the knowledge that such denigration is beyond the reach of the Thought Police, I give you 10 reasons why Father Christmas must, obviously, be a politician:

1. He has had repeated intimate contact with generations of children without ever seeing the inside of a courtroom and any evidence has been conveniently lost.
2. Herds of exotic reindeer roam around his enormous ancestral estate, presumably paid for by the EU's CAP subsidy.
3. He’s never had a real job in his entire life.
4. He often drinks on the job, consuming booze bought by others and sleeping it off, inactive, for most of the year.
5. His permanent home address is a matter of some mystery.
6. He doles out gifts to all and sundry, paid for by somebody else, without ever spending a penny of his own money… or asking others if it is all right him spending theirs.
7. The only Pole he’s ever encountered is part of his address, or occasionally a ho ho ho...
8. He is occasionally photographed leaving Lap-dancing Land
9. If anybody else claimed to rely on flying hooved mammals for transport they would be locked up and the key thrown away, yet he manages to get away with making fantastic claims to explain the impossible. And finally;
10. Even though it takes the combined resources of NASA and the CAA to track his whereabouts he has never had so much as a speeding ticket.

Quick, it's The Speaker! Leg it!

And if you're not convinced you have to ask yourself, have you ever seen Eric Pickles and Father Christmas in the same room together? Well, have you? I rest my case.


  1. Santa works for the intelligence establishment-- one of the MI's or GCHQ, don't he? "He's making a list, and checking it twice, gonna find out who's naughty and nice...He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake, he knows if you've been bad or good..."