Friday, 10 March 2017

Are you being served?

Earlier this week it was International Women’s Day, or some such title. I don’t know really, I wasn’t paying much attention. But, apparently, some of the more ardent defenders of the supremacy of wimminkind were staging some sort of strike; a day without women. Again, I was only half listening, mea culpa. I find, as a lot of men do, that once the pretty young things start to tell you how their day went the sound goes all sort of fuzzy and... oh, look, squirrel!

Anyway, I do hope it all went well for them. And I hope they get all the things they desire because I know how acquisitive they can be. They say with men the race is won by the one who dies with the most toys, whereas women don’t stop at mere toys; they want other fripperies as well, for reasons we men have never been able to figure out. I say ‘never been able’ but really I’m not sure any of us have ever actually bothered. See, men have always been far too simple to understand the needs of womankind... or too lazy, I forget which.

Luckily, in an effort to solve the eternal problem of satisfying the fairer sex an enterprising businessman has seen a gap in the market and set up The Husband Store where the ladies can shop for their ideal mate without suffering the indignities of the dating game. Just off Piccadilly the gleaming storefront announces to all and sundry that it is open for business, women only. But there are some rules as to how the business operates. They read as follows.

‘You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products on offer increases as the shopper ascends each storey. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but cannot go back down except to exit the building.’

Seems a bit of a kerfuffle to me, but anyway, intrigued I asked a female colleague to investigate. She reported back, thus. Each floor has a large sign advertising its wares. The sign on the ground floor reads:
Ground Floor – These men Have Jobs.
She carried on upwards...
First Floor - These men Have Jobs and Love Children.
“That was nice,” she said, “but I wanted more.” Next up:
Second Floor - These men Have Jobs, Love Children, and are Handsome.
Third Floor - These men Have Jobs, Love Children, are Drop-dead Gorgeous and Help With the Housework
Fourth Floor - These men Have Jobs, Love Children, are Drop-dead Gorgeous,
Help with the Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She was almost overwhelmed at the thought and was sorely tempted, but in the interests of research - as she put it - she carried on up. The next sign said:
Fifth Floor - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

The best shopping centres have a creche

To avoid any charge of gender bias and in the interests of equality the store's owner opened a New Wives Emporium just across the street with exactly the same rules. The ground floor has wives who love sex. The first floor has wives who love sex, have money and like beer. The second, third, fourth and fifth floors have never been visited.

1 comment: