Daniel Radcliffe turned his back on the LibDems and 'defected' to Labour. Naturally, the loss of this intellectual political giant will have grave consequences for fence-sitting voters everywhere. But wait, is this the same young scallywag who decided he was an alcoholic at the age of eleven or something? (I can't be bothered to do the research, but I read something about it somewhere and that's good enough.)
There's outrage in the news about another drunken eleven-year-old being encouraged by his mother, but this comes as no surprise; with luck and encouragement he'll be capable of becoming a fully-functioning proper alcoholic and will be able to get appropriate disability benefits for life. She's doing him a favour.
In yet another child-related report, growing numbers of five-year-olds are turning up at school in nappies and needing help in basic tasks they should have already mastered.
And George Monbiot in the Guardian is starting to get a mixture of flak and favour for his gleefully childish response to a flawed survey that tells him what he wants hear. Again. (See Saturday's blog.)
From actual children to immature adults, what in hell's name is wrong with the focus of this bloody country? Does nobody realise that children are mere chattels? Moreover, they are mouldable, controllable chattels and we are missing a trick here. Ask not what you can do for your children - ask what your children should be doing for us all.
Here we are, wondering how to save the planet, while simultaneously wasting resources in catering to the urges of ungrateful offspring, who in turn squeeze out more demanding sprogs. We should be utilising this source of natural energy for the good of mankind. Children have been taking the piss for decades and it's high time this child-centric society was turned round. What else are baby and child harnesses made for?
A dozen crawling brats could easily power a domestic-scale treadmill generator. A score of pre-teens could be trained to pull carriages for public transport. With a bit of coordination and judicious use of riding crops I'm pretty sure the London Underground could be powered entirely by child sweat. And all forms of heavy labour could easily be performed by channelling the excess energy expended in teen angst - suitably 'incentivised' of course.
So, to put it all this into perspective:
As a child you are treated as a Socialist in that your collective labour will be harvested for the good of society as a whole. As an adult (over thirty) you'll get to exercise a vote, be in charge (sort of) for a while and adopt the natural Conservatism that you've justly earned and when you retire you can just do whatever the fuck you want. Everybody's happy, the kids are back under the yoke and world order is restored.
Job done. Now, make me king. J