The Big Bonus

A parliamentary inquiry has discovered the secrets of the universe – the Big Bonus, the so-called God Principle.

The Big Bonus is an elementary incentive within the standard model of incentive economics. On 4 July 2012, Bob Diamond announced the formal confirmation that an incentive "consistent with the Big Bonus… exists with a very high likelihood of 99.99994%". However, MPs still need to verify that it is indeed the expected bonus and not some other new incentive.

The existence of the Big Bonus was predicted almost 50 years ago to explain how bankers manage to acquire so much mass when other particles have very little. ‘Mass’ is, of course, bankers speak for ‘money’. Mr Diamond used the rather simplistic analogy of the Higgs boson to explain The God Principle. This principle describes why bankers need to acquire ‘mass’ in such significant quantities in order to be allowed to even exist within their own universe.

Of course, ordinary people can’t be expected to understand the workings of these mysterious incentives, so here’s a useful cut out and keep guide:

And that, my friends is the secret - when you haven't any coal in the stove and you freeze in the winter and you curse on the wind at your fate. When you haven't any shoes on your feet and your coat's thin as paper and you look thirty pounds underweight - the simple secret of the Mark or Yen, or buck or pound, that makes that clinking clanking sound, that makes the world go round!