Lettuce Pray

It's Sunday. It's traditionally a day of rest, of worship, of quiet repose and, for many years now... shopping. As usual when Sunday trading comes up for discussion nobody quite knows what to think of it. Is it good that we get an extended day's trading, which allows some to earn more and helps keep money in circulation? Or is it bad - boo, nasty Tories - a cynical exploitation of a downtrodden workforce?

When Mo Farah won the 5,000 metres Olympic gold medal  last night there were jubilant cheers from the left, pinning his success on the triumph of multiculturalism that had created this opportunity. Because, of course, there were never any black athletes in Britain's Olympic squad before. Oh, wait... Meantime those on the right accused the left of a cynical exploitation of a failed doctrine. Cognitive dissonance being ever the main tool in a politico's armoury.

In the case of Tia Whatshername from New Whatsitsplace, depending on your stance it is either a tragedy of Herculean scale befalling and affecting all mankind and highlighting the incompetence of police and social workers alike. Or it's a non-story about the inevitable consequences of inbreeding amongst a benefit-dependent underclass of chav scum, from whom we can expect no better.

See? It's all a matter of perspective and there's the problem. Most humans do not possess the critical faculties to make meaningful judgements or formulate ideas of their own. The Thatcher-hating communities will never allow that she did any good whatsoever while those who are self-sufficient through their own endeavours see nothing but evil in the thuggish, scowling mien of the likes of Mark Serwotka and Bob Crow.

What we need is something we can all agree on and that something need not be grounded in fact. Avoid the facts at all costs, I say, because facts can be tested and verified. No, what we need is blind faith, so I'm going to gets me some religion. When I say 'me' I mean 'you' and when I say 'gets' I mean you're going to get what you're given - that, after all, is how all religions work.

I haven't got time for all that write-a-book-based-on-what-may-or-may-not-have-happened-loosely-based-on-events-of-the-time-and-pretend-it-came-from-god-nonsense. But that's old hat anyway, surely nobody actually believes the bible or the koran anyway? (Note the deliberately dismissive  and disrespectful use of lower case there) They do? Well, this is going to be easier than I thought then... using the divine power of the internet I shall conjure up a miracle, get it going viral and subjugate a generation to my will; a vision should do for a start and to that end I searched for inspiration in nature:

Here goes... Verily I say unto thee my children, I saw  the face of our saviour in my cabbage patch. And the face was good. There, that should do the trick.

Yes! It does look like Boris Johnson, doesn't it? But, of course, he's omnipresent after all and he did perform a miracle by walking in the air just a week ago. Just as a true Messiah he came among his people and abased himself. Rejoice and listen to my sermon:

Consider the lettuce...