Dyson with death...

Straight out of the ‘you just couldn’t make this shit up’ school of Euro-Comedy journalism comes this story about the EU restricting the powerof your vacuum cleaner in the very near future. This is the sort of thing the EU does to us all the time; nobody asked for it and it’s a given that some expert was paid a fortune for producing a wholly flawed report on it, reaching a predetermined conclusion untainted by common sense. And it’s damned sure that the only measurable effect will be more frustration as vacuuming effectively takes longer than it need.

By the other-world logic of the EU they’ll be restricting kettle power to, say, 200 Watts soon, thus making reality the old adage that a watched kettle never boils. For those who always fill the kettle, regardless of how few cups they are making, this will be confusing. May I suggest you get an education. Oh, sorry, they already reduced the power of education didn’t they? That’s why it takes 14 years to do today what once was done in 9; create unskilled workers.

I can only assume that having made a few thousand laws restricting our general civil liberties while taking bleeding liberties of their own with our freedoms and rights they are starting to run out of ideas. This lunatic nonsense is symptomatic of the sort of unnecessary, self-fulfilling bureaucracy that typifies people with real no job to do and time on their hands. Well here, have a few suggestions on me; given the pointlessness of the EU, I have no doubt some of these policies are already on the shelf, just waiting a final polish before being inflicted on us.  

How about a self-shaming B&Q for instance? You choose any shade of white emulsion and when you scan in your purchases the self-help checkout shouts, RACIST at you and the lights start flashing. The staff then gather round, give you a damn good ‘educating’ and substitute your ‘Apple Blossom’ for a politically correct shade of ‘Café Crème’. Or, you can no longer buy a ladder for personal use – you have to hire one, along with four hi-vis clad youths to act as footers, spotters  and harness handlers so that even while you clean your windows you can experience the full impact of the Working at Height Regulations 2005.

Why not, given that cars will soon be telemetrically chipped anyway, they legislate for a function that knows it’s been parked outside a pub for more than half an hour, so locks you out and reports you to the local constabulary… by which I mean paramilitary goon squad. Or smart fridges and cupboards that report you to the NHS if you’ve had one too many bowls of sugary cereal or packets of crisps with a consequent reduction in your access to health care.

And if it all sounds a bit far-fetched, it shouldn’t. Our lives are utterly permeated with such nonsense already. Nobody – literally nobody – knows all the legal restraints on your daily freedoms. You may be breaking the law just by walking to work, by farting in a public place, by even THINKING some of the things you think. You certainly break the law –at least if you’re human and not a diversity-bot – in conversation every single day.

Politically incorrect vacuum cleaner

So, given that they can without any apparent thought and certainly with no sense of shame impose unworkable legislation at the drop of a hat, how hard can it be to apply some of this down-sizing mania to family sizes? Time to introduce the Euro Standard Family based on ability to provide; you breed ‘em, you feed ‘em. The penalty for exceeding the quota? Deportation to any country where the ridiculous number you’ve squeezed out is considered normal.  Come on, EU… it’s not like you have fuck-all else to do, is it?