Of Pies and Men: John Prescott’s Diary - 1st January 2017

Dear Diary,

Well, today’s the day they said could never ‘appen. It’s seven in the morning and still dark - the sun never rises on the glorious People’s Republic of Kingston upon Hull – or Ull, as it is properly known - as she embarks on a whole year as European City of Culture. And what a culture it is. I am dead proud to be cutting the ribbon on the inaugural wife-beating ceremony down the docks. Pauline is 'aving her ‘air done just now and as soon as she’s finished, about half-eleven, a fleet of Jags is on standby to escort 'er for wobbly coffees wi’t’ladies wot lunch… then it's us dinner time.

Just time to put the finishing touches to my big speech:

‘Friends, Ronan, people of Ull. Unaccustomed has I am, it is your great pleasure to ‘ave me back on terra cotta in my ‘ome town. Actually, it’s not – I’m as Welsh as they come, really – but you ‘ave took me to your ‘eart and that’ll do. As I said a few years ago “the city of York already is a city, as is my own city of Hull is a city, and that I think is the definition of city and town." And I think that's pretty clear,really.

First off, I must say a big thank you to t'caterers for that magnificent blow-out. I have to be careful with my bulimia nervosa and all that, but the pork pie was magnificent, As were t’mushy peas – now you don’t get food like that in the ‘Ouse of Lords, which ennoblement I only ever accepted against my better judgement for the good of you all, which fact is well known and noted in t’committee minutes. Ta.

I’m known for my plain speaking and I’m not going to stop now. No, I’ve only just started, so you might as well get comfy. Now, when I first come ‘ere, Ull were a shit’ole. But look at it now. There used to be green fields over there, but now; concrete as far as you can see. The Green Belt was a Labour achievement… and we built on it. The schools were rubbish too, but as I said a few years ago, “the trouble is, if you build a good school, they all want to go to it" so we stuck to us guns and what ‘ave we got now? The people of Ull stay ‘ere and loyally ‘elp to build this strong community. They ‘ave to; nobody else wants ‘em.

But it works both ways, see. As immigration swamps other cities in the country, thanks to those Tory bastards, trying to rub us noses in diversity, ‘ere in Ull the only bloody foreigners we see are them on t’ferries from Rotterdam. And they come ‘ere, tekk one look and go straight back ‘ome, no bother. And them others, ‘oo come in via Dover, they can never find us. Nobody else in Britain knows where Ull is… and that’s ‘ow we like it.

In Ull we are proud of our working class roots. My roots, my background and the way I act is working class, but it would be hypsocritical to say I'm anything else than middle class now. And a lord, think on. So, as I unveil this statue to Ull’s greatest son – me - I thank you for the council taxes that paid for it. But there’s more than that and I bring you today, one of my former flagship policies, one that will help to preserve the purity of Ull’s culture for decades to come.

'Oo's laffing now?

For them who’s worried about this City of Culture award raising our profile and bringing more strangers to Ull and trying to change us ways. For those concerned at the possible influx of teams of documentary makers and anthropologists, probing our foibles and spending in our shops. For those anticipating a rapid change in our fortunes I say don’t worry, prepare for history. I give you, the new M62 bus lane!