Cry Freedom!

Alex Salmond - Wee Eck - is on the warpath about... well, about everything. He's an angry little fella and not without reason; he's Scottish but he isn't even ginger. But that aside, should they stay or should they go now?

As a vocal advocate of cessation from the EU it would be hypocritical, not to say churlish were I to hold a firm view, one way or the other on Scottish independence. It’s not my business and I – quite rightly – haven’t a vote.  Over to you, Scotland and whatever you choose I hope it solves your identity crisis and unites you either as an independent Scotland or an integral part of the old union. I think, however, that I do speak for many in the UK when I say I am pretty ambivalent as to the outcome.

Out is good. Provided we lose all of your socialistic and disproportionate influence on Westminster – under Tony Blair it seemed the entire cabinet were Jockanese at times. And of course, provided you no longer receive a single penny from the UK exchequer and cough up your fair share of the debt. You’re already a separate nation, of course, as you proudly remind us over and over again, so making that split formal will be relatively easy. To be fair we haven’t understood more than a small fraction of anything you’ve said during all our years together.

In is fine, too, except if you do stay in we know you’ll never stop banging the drum for independence so, for that reason alone it’s probably best for all of us if you leave. This is the fate that awaits us, too. Should Cameron be returned with a majority Tory government and should he honour his promise of an in/out referendum (I’m not holding my breath on either count) and should we vote – and it will be by the narrowest of margins – to stay in the EU, I know the issue of independence will never go away. So my plan is for ME to go away – after all, I’ll have the whole of Europe to find a quiet bolthole, ideally where I won’t understand the language well enough to listen to the politicians. (Scotland, maybe?)

Ignore all the recent shenanigans about currency and your own potential EU membership and the division of the spoils and all that. If you vote to leave I know as a nation you have the guts to go it alone. And just think; you’ll have your own Olympians in tennis and curling and I guess you’ll still be able to watch proper sports on the telly, so what’s not to like? But here’s an idea, why not say stuff Europe altogether and become genuinely independent?

For over forty years we have not had a say – yes, yes, there was the 1975 referendum, but I was there and even as a teenager I could see it was a big con – but you, Scotland, have an opportunity to just step away. If it ever comes about Brexit will be a tortuous process with the EU establishment putting up as many obstacles as it can out of sheer spite and doing its best to label the UK (what’s left of it) as a pariah state. As the UK-EU relationship is all haggled over at Westminster all Scotland has to do is print new passports. Hell, you don’t even need to pack. One day you’re in, the next you’re out. And bloody good luck to you.

And all of that has made me think. What if Wales is next? And all Nor’n Ir’n has to do is merge with their southern cousins for England to be on its own again. But wait. If that’s the logical end to all this and the last man standing in the union will be left holding the EU membership card, surely we’re missing a trick? Forget voting for an independent Scotland. Forget trying to wriggle out of Europe. Let’s have a vote on English independence and walk free from the whole shebang. Time for an English National Party? What could possibly go wrong?