Corbyn, Cor Blimey!

Labour. The idea of a Labour Party in government is as far from funny as the notion that suicide bombers are not inspired by islam. But the Labour Party in opposition and in disarray is a joy to behold and its flag-wavers are the collective comedy gift that just keeps on wrapping itself up and jumping into the Christmas stocking. For instance, Jeremy Corbyn scraped a chance to stand for the leadership by gaining the last of the necessary thirty-five nominations two minutes before the ballot closed. Corbyn is, of course, one of the last bastions of the Labour left wing and beloved of the Boy Wonder Owen Jones and his risibly riotous People’s Assembly. 

Guessing the outcome of the labour leadership contest is a bit like a lottery with the unions hopping mad they’ve lost their almighty block vote; they are now desperately trying to get people to sign up individually, as per the new rules, but unlike the heady days of wildcat strikes and one-out, all-out, nobody appears to give a fig. Yesterday morning I heard on the Today programme that of 500,000 eligible union members only 2,500 had bothered to sign up, even at the bargain basement rate of £3 a pop. Tory supporters are now signing up to vote for Corbyn… because it will be hilarious.

The natural instincts of true British people has never been to bemoan their lot and aside from a brief and necessary period of revolt Labour’s mission is history. Nobody has much faith in state-run institutions any more but the fraying remnants of Labour’s Marxist past are still fully wedded to the concept. So, here’s an idea: How about – instead of nationalisation and all that expense and disruption – we set up cooperative-owned banks, power companies, etc and let them compete with private companies entirely on merit. Aside from legislation and some small start-up costs the public purse funds nothing, so committed ‘own the means of production’ adherents will have to buy their place in the organisation by selling up all they own and pooling their resources, thus demonstrating true commitment to the collective ideal and not participating on the sidelines as mere fat-cat shareholders.

It will be like a national game show as slick, moneyed professional profit-makers compete with egalitarian, diversity-heavy ‘enterprises of the people’ for market share and lolz. And if the people’s partnerships fail, just as with nationalised industry, all participants fail with them. Except the national finances won’t take the hit and the good old British sense of schadenfreude will have a field day watching the public demise of those who considered themselves just a little bit more equal than the rest of us. It’s a win-win because if they succeed then bully for them and we may learn something, but if they fail maybe they will learn something and insist on proper education for the next generation.

Can we fuck it up?

The Guardian has been whinging that there is some form of posh apartheid in operation and that only ‘posh’ people get better jobs, when in reality, in a Corbynised Britain they might finally realise that it isn’t posh people who get the best jobs it’s just not Labour people who get the best jobs. There has to be a reason for that