Conspiracy!

Now, I like a good conspiracy theory as much as the next man but I never expected to stumble across this story which will rock the supposedly free world to its core. I was researching the influence of over-ripe Camembert on the French philosophers during the turbulent period of Cardinal Richelieu’s undue power over King Louis XIII’s monkey court in the Indian jungle and I was concentrating my readings on the search for man's red fire when, quite by chance, in Dan Brown fashion, I uncovered an audacious plot. Read on and be amazed.

A number of verses of the King James Bible contain the valuable advice, meted out for centuries: “As ye sow, so shall ye reap.” “Do unto others...” And “what goes around comes around.” Shakespeare’s prince of Denmark tells us “There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.” Oh yes, forget the ex-Tory, now ex-UKIP fruitcake who blamed the floods on gay marriage, it’s so much worse than you imagine and it goes back many years.

Just suppose you were a Middle East nation with designs on world domination were it not for the damned British and American infidels who dared to trespass on your land and make it give forth its secret hoard of untold wealth? And suppose you wished to punish these same nations for their daring to bring you education, roads and hospitals. Such designs against the express wishes of allah-baba that you remain ignorant in your barbarity could not go unpunished. And then, to add insult to injury... Israel. The religion of peace was well peaced off.

Thus the Arab League held secret talks and plotted and planned and made divers conspiracy to establish a fledgling insurgent cell in Europe that infiltrated an organisation which later came to be known as the European Coal and Steel Community, itself an offshoot of earlier attempts to communise the countries of Europe by violence alone. Forget the jihadis – they are just an elaborate distraction to keep the authorities’ eyes focused elsewhere. No, the real destruction of the British kaffir is to come about by biblical means. No, neither smiting nor locusts, but... read on:

Long before Anthony Charles Lynton Crosby Mohammed Blair was busily orchestrating an elaborate ‘war on terror’, Ralph Miliband was being cuckolded by Sheik Yahbhouti of Syria and his cuckoo inserted into the house of Marx at the heart of the Fabians. Yes the strings of the Labour Party are pulled by a mysterious race of desert-dwelling lizard kings and Edward Samuel Aziz Mustafa Miliband is their latest heir apparent, on course to keep our appointment with self-destruction any time now. Every word of this is true.

The Arabs hate us for our water; it’s the one thing we’ve got that they haven’t and so they have carefully orchestrated the setting up of a malign dictatorship throughout Europe, swamping administrations with ever more grandiose visions and ever larger taxation to pay for it all. From political correctness to regional grants for skateboard parks the excesses of the EU leviathan are designed to distract from a little known part of the Common Agricultural Policy  - the subsidies to encourage the deforestation of our hillsides.

Ed Allahband

Yes, my friends, while we are being exercised by bendy bananas, free movement of peoples and working time directives, while we are waging war with the barbarians at the gate and squabbling amongst ourselves, slowly but surely Britain is drowning... and not just in red tape. It may sound plausible now, to blame the weather on UKIP but now you know the truth it is incumbent upon you to act. The fighting fund accepts PayPal – you know it makes sense!