Wednesday, 18 February 2015

Hard Labour

Following Channel Four’s audacious broadcast, so close to the general election of the 'docu-drama'  “UKIP: The First 100 Days” masquerading as credible prediction, I felt the urge to respond in kind. Unlike Channel Four I would like to make it clear that what follows is pure fiction... or is it?

Welcome to Britain 2045 and the 30-year rule finally allows historians access to the government archives. This is a special year because since the Labour government’s ascension to power in 2015 and the total news embargo imposed in late September of that year we finally have access to the few scattered reports that were not destroyed after the big news media seizure in September of that year. Until today, when electricity was finally restored after the US rescue of the remaining European states, it was unknown whether any record of those bleak years even existed. Few people still live who are able to reliably recall the early years of Labour’s reign and those who left the country soon had no contact with their former homeland. When the thirty-year wall of silence came down, these few snippets were rescued from the electronic rubble.

BBC News 16th May 2015: “After over a week of negotiations, the Labour Party announce that, as the party with the largest share of votes, but no overall majority, they have accepted a deal with Nicola Sturgeon’s Scottish National Party to share power. Prime Minister Ed Miliband has stated that this was ‘the right thing to do for hard-working families’ and he promised a return to prosperity in a more caring, one-nation, pre-distribution society. The first act of the coalition has been to double the NHS budget, scrap the so-called bedroom tax and restore every one of the pre-2010 welfare measures scaled back by the Conservatives. Despite assurances from Chancellor Balls that this would be paid for by a tax on banker’s bonuses the UK’s credit rating was downgraded to BB by Standard & Poor’s”

Extract from Andrew Neil interview with Ed Balls Sunday Politics 5th July 2015:
“AN: How much, Chancellor, has the bankers’ bonus tax actually raised?
EB: The real question, Andrew, is how are the most vulnerable in society being raised from the oppression they suffered under the Tori…”
AN: With respect, that isn’t what I asked you. Isn’t it true that since Labour came to power almost all the bankers have moved to France, along with their money?
EB: You have to ask yourself, “Does the ordinary working man feel better off?”
AN: Well, he doesn’t, does he? Because since the DWP came under military protection from the welfare rioters the benefits tap has been turned off.
EB: Oh come on, Andrew, you’re picking on one tiny aspect of our reforms.
AN: How does Prime Minister Sturgeon feel you’re doing? I hear rumours that, since the coup, the office of Chancellor of the Exchequer may be moved to Edinburgh and run by Alex Salmond.
EB: There is no truth whatsoever in…” [transcript ends]

Sky News 15th July 2015
“News just in that the Chancellor’s talks with the IMF have broken down in acrimonious circumstances after requests for a bail out for the UK were turned down. After the unsuccessful raids on English citizens’ bank accounts, where it transpired that most people had switched to a cash economy following the example of the ex-Chancellor Balls, the government were forced to go cap in hand to former allies to pay for their ambitious reforms programme. The mansions that were to be taxed have been simply abandoned and as most tradesmen have moved to Greece and Bulgaria to set up agrarian, ex-pat communities, it is likely that some of the iconic country houses of England may well fall into disrepair. As mobs of English poor prepare to march on Parliament at Holyrood there has been a build-up of troops on the Scottish border with its poorer cousin.”

BBC News Tuesday 4th August 2015: “The BBC has received reports that socialist forces have beenn moving steadily southwards, shutting down local radio stations and ransacking the offices of local newspapers. Transmission equipment has been seized along with…” [transcript abruptly ends with background sounds of raised voices and the smashing of glass]

The future is orange jumpsuits - the future is Labour...

The final transmission we are able to access is the following brief statement from the SBC, broadcast on Sunday 16th August: “Greetings comrades and good news. The chocolate ration is to be doubled from tomorrow…” Shortly afterwards, all communication from the People's Democratic Republic ceased.

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